October 12, 2004
Equal time: Giving our daughters a chance
The following is an article By Rabbi Shmuel Gluck. Rabbi Gluck is Director of Areivim, an organization that offers our youth advice and assistance, with a wide array of support systems. This article is syndicated with the express permission of Rabbi Gluck. Teens: Rabbi Gluck welcomes your emails.
In the last few years there has been recognition that more is needed for the non-performing teenagers. This has resulted in an explosion of new Yeshivas, diverse programs, and various organizations. I believe that these efforts are bearing fruit. Teenagers today are being listened to and offered alternatives that only a few years ago were considered unacceptable.
Consider the following: 25 years ago there were about four yeshivas that dealt with the non mainstream Yeshiva bochur. These Yeshivas were still set up with the same framework as that of a typical Yeshiva. The only concession made was in recognizing that their talmidim might not be able to pay attention for long periods of time.
Today, there are dozens of programs for boys. If we consider those Yeshiva’s in Eretz Yisroel, there must be close to 100 schools or programs designed for the atypical student. I have heard that recently a boy’s culinary school opened in Eretz Yisroel.
Our mechanchim are not the only ones to recognize the need for alternative schooling. Today’s parents have come to accept that some children will not conform to any yeshiva program. Parents today are doing their best to accommodate their children with chavrusos and other innovative ideas based within the home itself.
With all the attention given to teenage boys it becomes somewhat of a wonder that 15 years ago, to my knowledge, there were still no alternative programs for the non typical Bais Yakov student. Today there are still less than 10 alternative programs for girls in existence. If we include the small out of town schools which, although mainstream, are often excellently suited for the non-city type girl, the number increases to a little more than a dozen possible options.
The sad truth is that today’s teenage girls have a more difficult time than most boys. They carry guilt, anger, and confusion more intensely than boys do. Boys have fun and forget about it. For girls, it is more often a search for meaning. Each struggle, whether victorious or not, becomes deeply ingrained within their souls.
Girls’ different motivations are clear to those who work with our teenagers. Teenage girls, particularly those that are searching for answers that they find so elusive, take to poetry, art, and other forms of self-expression. In speaking to teenage girls I have found their emotional needs and their emotional scars dramatically more severe. Even years later, after they appear happily married with their own families; there remains an internal need to purge themselves from their younger acts. To them no past deed is trivial and every thought is in need of a therapeutic response.
I do not assume that all, or even most, suffering children are inherently always in the right. My intention is to convey to the reader how deeply the teenage girl is trapped in her confusion, unhappiness and with her many internal conflicts.
Girls are confused. It is true that much of their confusion is the result of their wanting to cross boundaries, yet we must still accept the responsibility of providing them with a direction in life. We must also bring to life our views explaining as much to them as we can. If we find ourselves deficient, then we must look to others to fill this void.
After many long talks with parents and their daughters, I believe that I have gained a better understanding into their minds and insecurities and as a result have developed an approach that I would like to share in this article.
Today’s generation is way too busy. B”H the average family is significantly larger than it was 20 years go. These larger families naturally result in less time for each child. Many in our community may at times become overly concerned with possessions and our social status. This too distracts us from our most important treasure; our children.
The effect of all this is that many of us find ourselves too distracted, limiting our ability to mechanech our children. We have become numbed by the endless deadlines and numerous responsibilities that confront us daily. We find ourselves constantly reacting to emergencies. We are in a mental coma, and many of us can no longer properly anticipate our children needs until it is too late.
Many have found that we are not asking enough important questions, such as “What is going through my daughter’s mind lately? Is she happy? Does she have questions or insecurities that I should be paying attention to?” Instead, the immense pressures in our lives cause us to let things slide as long as we possibly can.
Unfortunately, allowing things to slide also allows things to build up until they reach epidemic proportions. Tzinius, substance abuse, and chilul Shabbos are a few of them. It is the boys’ rebellion, though, that most often jars us into action. They rebel in a loud attention grabbing manner. Girls, however, rebel in a way that is more often directed internally and is not felt by others.
A parent cannot ignore the son who has just been arrested. A parent can ignore the daughter who has not been herself for the last few months.
About two years ago Areivim opened a hotline for teenagers. I personally respond to the large majority of calls. I have noticed a dramatic difference between the calls that come from boys than from girls. The boys are in trouble and want to know how to get out of it. Sometimes they are feeling guilty and would like me to somehow remove the guilt. Most calls, in general, are the result of a dramatic incident.
This is clearly in contrast to the calls that I have received from the majority of teenage girls. I would listen to their explanation of why they were upset with a teacher, a parent, a friend, or a roommate. I initially felt that I was wasting my time. It all seemed so trivial. Then I reconsidered. Here were teenage girls calling a total stranger. Why? This call must be important to them. There must be a compelling reason for them to overcome the natural tendency to not share personal feelings with strangers.
These experiences made me rethink my preconceived ideas about our teen age daughters, and therefore my approach to kiruv with our teenage daughters. Maybe girls don’t need 100 different schools. Maybe they don’t need a school that teaches crafts instead of math two. Maybe today’s teenage girls just need someone to talk to, either anonymously or in person. Teenage girls, more than boys, need an e-mail or phone partner. All they need is someone to talk to late at night when they are unsure about tomorrow.
There is no doubt that many of our mentor discussions concern the big issues. I speak to 15 year old girls about not speaking to boys. I help 17 year olds try to put their lives together again. I help 18 year olds decide on the right seminary. 19 year old girls are looking for approval for their prospective choson. In these last few years I find myself also discussing parenting with the same boys and girls who, just a few years before, couldn’t understand why their parents should have the right to have any say in their own lives.
Other times though, it is difficult to pinpoint the purpose of our discussions. What is clear is that someone should take the time to listen, show empathy, although not necessarily agreement, and when needed, offer practical and effective suggestions.
Sadly, few people today take the time to listen, advise, and encourage them into real growth. This is unfortunate because teenage girls need much less of our “magic” than boys do, making their needs something that should be easily available.
Although a real need does exist for alternative schools this is not our most urgent battle front. Instead schools are training their teachers to recognize the first hints of confusion and disenchantment. Almost a year ago an experienced teacher commented to me that, “Most teachers don’t look to see what is behind our student’s eyes. Even if we notice the sadness within them we do not know what to do.” Today the school has begun to adapt to this challenge.
It might be the time to ask our teachers, particularly those who have recently come back from Eretz Yisroel, to humanize themselves a little more to their students. Structure is essential yet so is the expressing of our human side. Difficult, yet not impossible, this two pronged approach must become the standard of success within our Bais Yakov teachers.
There are already many such committed mechanecheses. Many teachers recognize the individuality of each student and have taken upon themselves one student as a special project. Other teachers feel that they are not able to undertake a student, and search for a former teacher, or an affiliated big sister. Often a mentor with true Torah hashkofo as well one who has an appreciation of the school’s philosophy is assigned to this girl.
Equally important is the need to help our teachers learn to articulate the widely accepted and only recently challenged halochos of our Bnos Yisroel. It is ironic that because certain Halachas and minhagim has been so widely accepted within our schools and homes that many of us, even our teachers, have forgotten how to explain its source, its halachic guidelines, its chumros, and more importantly, the beauty of these mitzvos.
I would like to conclude by confirming that: mi k’amcho Yisroel. Klal Yisroel continuously adapts to each nisoin presented to us during our long golus. Most recently we have learned to understand our teenage sons and are making headway in that area. Certainly we are just as capable of offering our daughters the same energy and vision to help them through their challenges.
An edited version of this article appeared in the Jewish Observer.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: aishel
DATE: 10/12/2004 08:38:52 PM
Very well written. I actually know someone who just went to Israel to go to that culinary school.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ahavah
DATE: 10/27/2004 01:37:40 PM
This is a very nice and well-written article, but it doesn't mention anorexia, a major problem amoung many orthodox girls these days, at all.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: SS613
DATE: 10/27/2004 02:56:44 PM
I enjoyed the article, but don't think that the solution offered is what is needed. He identifies a real problem (todays family is too busy) and that there is not enough time for each child. Then he offers a solution that younger teachers should adopt a student and give them extra attention. The solution might be pleasing to many, but I don't think that it gets at the core problem. Children want attention from their parents. Attention from other adult may alleviate the problem, but it does not get at the core of the problem, parents do not carve out time for their children.
I think what we really need is school schedules that allow more time for family, schools and parents that believe that the parents are responsible for chinuch and that the schools are there to assist rather than take over, more stay at home mothers which means that we must find a solution to high tuitions, high living costs, and general overindulgence.
I'll post the article on hashkafah with my comments for further discussion.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Shmuel Gluck
DATE: 10/28/2004 09:51:27 AM
You can't respond that the article does not mention anorexia, bulimia or
self mutilation. The reason is that the point was that we, parents,
relatives, and friends have an immense amount of control over the girls
progressive slide downward. Talk! It avoids a significant amount more
problems then talking to boys will. If done during the earlier stages it
can't avoid much of the symptoms. If done once the problem was allowed to
exist it will help lesson the symptoms. By lessoning the symptoms and the
girls stress level it will make the girl either have more self control or
become more of a working partner to look for professional assistance.
This does not mean that girls do not have serious problems and talking is
an all-cure. It simply highlights an approach which can't dramatically
cut down on the percentages and is overlooked.
Thanks
Shmuel Gluck
PS. This response to Ahavah's comment was emailed to me and I posted it under Rabbi Gluck's name. ---Shlomo
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ahavah
DATE: 10/29/2004 10:19:30 AM
Dear Rabbi Gluck,
Thank you for responding to my comment. I understand now why you did not specify any particular problems.
Thank you once again for writing such an insightful article.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: SS613
DATE: 10/29/2004 05:10:18 PM
I was speaking to a friend about the idea of mentoring. She thought that the Rabbi did provide a solution to the family being busy (which I did not believe that he did). She seemed to feel that there is no way in todays day you could get mothers to be home more or that you could get fathers to be home more when they want time in the beis medrash. Therefore, it is necessary that someone else step in.
Her perspective is interesting. I'm not a career woman, although I've had a career pre-marriage and I enjoyed my career very much.
I personally do not believe that "hired help" is the solution and that it is incumbent on parents to be responsible for their children. However, I think I am pretty much alone in my thoughts and beliefs.
I've spoke with numerous young, fru?, Bais Yaakov type married women and they overwhelming believe that you cannot expect young women of today to stay home (even if money is not an issue). The ones that want to stay home, and I do know a few, are the exception.
Well, if that is the case, I guess his solution is more practical than anything I can come up with because I would start by trying to institute ideas that would make the family less busy. I can already think of numerous things that eat into all important family time! But, maybe reality is against me.
What does everyone else think?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cookie
DATE: 11/02/2004 10:23:02 PM
SS613: Not all who work have the option of staying home. Having said that, I still believe it's primarily our job to raise our kids. (I say primarily because we have to do hishtadlus, but it's ultimately about Siyata Dishmaya). On the other hand, I agree with Rabbi Gluck as well....If you understand the mind of teens, the unfortunate paradox is that it is frequently difficult for them to communicate with those who care most about them. It is not always possible to say it's the parents' fault, certainly not for the last couple of generations, where I feel a combination of poor European-style psychology (or understanding of what a relationship should look like) and post-Holocaust stuff often seriously messed up the quality of relationships between parents and kids. And sometimes a kid is hard to get through to, and some parents are (sadly but truly) incapable of learning new behavior patterns, or understanding where they are failing to create a relationship - not everyone is emotionally intelligent. This has nothing to do with staying at home or working, just that for our generation, it's easy to say that working mothers don't have the time, so they're not investing. (i.e. Maybe if they didn't work, and did have the time, they still would come up short because of the other dynamics of the relationship.)
Considering all this, I think it's good that kids have whom to talk to. If it can be a parent, that's ideal. But if it can't, for whatever reason, it's a good thing for a kid to know that someone out there will listen.
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Posted by notepad at 06:55 PM | Comments (1)
August 30, 2004
Pearls II
So you read the review and disclaimer and decided not to read the book. Here's Miriam with the entire book condensed into one, easy to read, post.
The Romance Reader
What a horrible, depressing book.
Ms. Abraham currently teaches writing. I hope she doesn’t forget to tell her students what she herself forgot—readers must like and sympathize with the protagonist. They are supposed to root for the poor girl who just wants out of the life her parents set out for her. Instead, I read about a conniver with impossible dreams. Books are also supposed to have a steady rise to climax, then a conclusion. This book had a series of conflicts, and then the line went dead. It ended not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Rachel is a Chassidish girl whose father dreams of grandeur as a Rebbe. Perhaps he craves respect from phantom Chassidim to make up for the lack of respect his wife has for him. Rachel is a dreamer like her father, but they want different things. Father wants to emulate the Baal Shem Tov, the founder of the Chassidic movement, while Rachel wants to imitate the characters from her Harlequin books.
Both see some realization of their dreams. Through hard work, living in poverty and with a shrewish wife, Father builds his synagogue (why Abraham can’t use the word “shul” I don’t know) and keeps expanding his vision. He meets with opposition from nature, from his wife, and from fellow Jews, but he is persistent. From a shack of a shul with an inconsistent minyan, to a steady minyan of plain workers, his ideas slowly bear fruit.
Among his obstacles is his daughter Rachel. Rachel who wants a library card, Rachel who discards her opaque tights for sheer stockings, Rachel who creates a scandal when the neighbors learn that she wears bathing suits instead of a jumper at the pool. Rachel who doesn’t want the life that her parents are laying out for her. The romance novels she stuffs under her pillows at night promise a life of silks, of men who aren’t afraid to touch, of a life where seamed stockings are irrelevant.
Her life is a series of small victories against her parents—the stolen books from Waldbaums, illicit talks with her friend Elky, eating on Yom Kippur, riding the train on Rosh Hashana, lifeguard lessons.
Rachel wishes her mother could be like her neighbor, Gita. Gita smiles and hands out cookies. Tova frowns, threatens to leave the family and run away to Israel, and yells at Father in front of the children. She is a cold woman whose rare smiles are brief reprieves from the tension she stirs in the household.
When shadchanim call about Rachel, her parents listen. It’s important for Rachel to grab a good one, a rebbishe bachur, both to bolster her father’s reputation and to provide a strong precedent for the younger childrens’ prospects. But Rachel’s past, the bathing suits, the stockings, frighten away some potential matches. Father’s insistence that the boy be rebbish turns yet others away. Finally, Israel (Yisrool?) gets past the radar because Father knew his family from before the War in Romania. Israel comes on a bus with his parents and grandmother from Brooklyn. His grandmother was expecting a L’chaim. Rachel disappoints after a short meeting with Israel; she needs time before her decision. Israel’s parents are generous; they agree to come back the next afternoon for another b’show, but after that they really must know her decision. After another short talk, Rachel agrees to marry Israel. She wants her Harlequin hero, but Israel and his blue eyes would have to suffice… for now. Even before her wedding, all during the preparations, Rachel plotted her divorce. And she got it, less than one week into a marriage that had already turned sour. Rachel was back with her family again.
And that’s how the book ended.
I wanted to sympathize with Rachel. She had a lot going against her. She was a sensualist in Chassidish clothing, a rebbe’s daughter who just wanted a “normal” life. She didn’t want to get married and have eight children, but saw marriage as her only escape from her stifling parents. But as I said in the beginning, I just couldn’t. Rachel isn’t a likable person. She’s too headstrong and selfish. Her parents aren’t all that likable either. Her mother is fed up with life, and her father doesn’t have his feet firmly set on earth.
All in all, an unpleasant family and an unpleasant book.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cookie
DATE: 08/30/2004 03:23:16 PM
Thanks, Miriam. Great review :) Sounds like her anger and general bad feelings about her past cloud Pearl's literary judgment.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rinx
DATE: 09/01/2004 10:40:07 PM
sounds like "abyss"-that new book... but also sounds like one of those they wouldn't have in a monsey jewish library-overstepped the line...poor rachel's family...rachel thinks living a chassidish life isn't normal?! well its more normal than the other lives i know...
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: the Shaigetz
DATE: 09/07/2004 01:12:43 PM
What a refreshingly honest review. I dont usually read novels written by orthodox jews because the tend to be so utterly boring and badly written. This one seems no exception and you have very dispassionately (it seems, me not having read it)called a spade a spade.
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Posted by notepad at 03:04 PM | Comments (0)
August 25, 2004
Basic Financial Management
by SS613
My purpose in writing this column is to give those in the heimishe velt, who are beginning to build their own families, some tips for sound financial management. Nothing that I have written here is particularly unique, nor do I purport to solve everyone’s financial issues, as I cannot do that in such a forum. Rather, I come with a list of methods and ideas to think about and to experiment with.
1.
Establish a Budget: Using a computer spreadsheet, delineate all sources of income and all areas of expenditures. There will be two types of expenditures: fixed and variable. Fixed expenditures are expenditures that do not change from month to month, such as rent/mortgage, insurance, tuition, etc. Variable expenditures are expenditures that change from month to month. These include food, utilities, clothing, entertainment, gas, parking, dry cleaning, etc. Make sure to include a separate line item for all major areas of expenditures, as well as for minor areas of common expenditures.
Track Actual Budget: Track every penny that comes in and that goes out for a period of time. I recommend about six months. Although it is difficult to track every expenditure made by every person, it is necessary because this is how you will identify areas that can be targeted for change.
Identify Areas to Cut: Once you know where you are spending your money, you can start to identify areas that can be cut. Often times our resources are being chipped away at by small expenditures. Is the soda machine drinking you dry? Is dry cleaning cleaning out your wallet? Are your sheital setting fees setting you up for financial disaster? Small expenditures add up over time. Many of these could be cut if you just could identify them. Eating out, take-out, convenience foods, coffee, paper goods, dry cleaning, manicures/pedicures, and credit card interest are good places to start.
If you are willing to undergo a major change, consider moving to a less expensive area. There are many communities throughout the United States would love to have you. You might be able to cut your rent in half by giving these communities throughout the United States a try. In addition, it will be easier to buy a house in one of the communities.
2.
Live Below you means: Successful financial management includes controlling your emotions and desires. Pirchei Avos tells us that the rich man is the one who is pleased with his lot. Being pleased with your lot requires a great amount of internal discipline. You certainly don’t want to set yourself up in a situation where you are unhappy with your status because you must adjust your lifestyle downwards. Therefore, it is highly advisable to live below your means. And, most successful people in the United States do just that.
You must be able to define between needs and wants and to learn the value of deferred gratification. You do need clothing, but is it necessary to have a $200 plus outfits for daily and Shabbos use? You do need to eat food, but are you spending too much money on take-out? You do need to have a seudas mitzvah for you newborn son’s bris, but do you need to have balloons at every table? You do need a way to communicate with the outside world, but do you need the latest technology right now? You do need to cover your hair, but do you need a custom sheital?
In the frum velt, we spend a great amount of money on Chassunas, Bar Mitzvahs, other simchas, Pesach vacations, engagement gifts, camp, clothing, etc. Not everyone has the means to make such expenditures. And, not everyone wants to make such expenditures. There certainly is a great deal of pressure to make spend beyond our means, and it is necessary to learn to say no and to control your impulses.
3.
Avoid Debt: There are two types of debt, good debt and bad debt. Good debt is defined as a mortgage. Bad debt is defined as credit card debt. Avoiding bad debt is necessary in the quest for sound financial management. If you are using credit cards, pay in full every month to avoid interest charges. That blouse you loved could end up costing you twice as much by the time you pay interest! If you are currently only making the minimum payment, work to cut your expenditures and apply the amount saved to your credit card balance. Any unexpected and unbudgeted income should also be used to pay down credit card debt.
Don’t overestimate the value of credit card benefits that you are receiving (miles, cash back, point for merchandise), if you are unable to pay off your balances in full every month or if you find your self spending more just because you can. If you are not using your credit card responsibly, start paying for purchases by cash or by check. Having to part with your money immediately is often a deterrent to unnecessary expenditures and an impetus to seeking out better options for necessary expenditures. Of course, make sure to avoid ATM fees!
4.
Take Advantage of the Tax System: The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) Tax Code encourages certain behavior and rewards you for these behaviors. Familiarize yourself with the tax code so that you can take advantage of it. The most beneficial way to save in taxes is to buy a house. When you have a mortgage, you will normally qualify for itemized deductions. Once you are itemizing and taking a deduction for mortgage interest, you can also start to take deductions for charitable contributions. Yes, you heard me correctly, the tzedakah that you give every month to qualified organizations, becomes tax deductible. You most be able to substantiate your deductions, so once you can deduct tzedakah, I recommend paying your tzedakah payments by check or credit card. That way, you can keep track of such payments.
Of course, buying a house is hard work. But, the advantages owning a home or a condo are so great that it is a worthy goal. Remember, your monthly mortgage might cost more right now, but in a few years, rent will catch up and surpass that mortgage. Try to find your way into any type of home or condo that you can because there is one more great benefit that the IRS Tax Code offers: a tax free gain of up to $500,000 for a married couple for a home IF you reside in the home as a primary residence for 2 of the past 5 years. Therefore, don’t worry about buying your dream home, if you can, buy something and live in it for at least two years. The tax free gain can be used to buy your dream home!
5.
Don’t pass up free money: A common mistake people make is passing up free money. If your employer offers a 401(k) retirement plan, chances are that the employer will match your contributions after a set period of time, up to a certain percentage of your salary. This is known as vesting.
Imagine that your company allows employees to vest after 10 years and will match contributions of up to 5%. If you make $30,000 a year and contribute 5%, or $1,500 per year, after 10 years you will receive a matching contribution of $15,000.
6.
Know your prices: Before you buy anything, especially major purchases, research prices. Don’t assume that buying at discount stores, such as Ross or Marshall’s, will cost you less. A lot of research can be done on line, which is a great way to avoid the temptations of the mall. Get to know prices for everyday prices too. Pennies saved on groceries and diapers will add up.
7.
Be Creative: Creativity can save you a pretty penny. Can you wash your own sheital? Can you wear a hat or tichel outside the home to cut down on wear and tear on your sheital? Can you buy meat in bulk with a friend, saving both of you money? Can you form a babysitting co-op with a group of friends and do away with babysitting costs? If you are a mother working outside of the home, can you work a different shift than your husband works (or learns), so you don’t have to hire a babysitter? Can you borrow a swing for your baby? Can you borrow baby clothing?
8.
Shop Outside the Velt: Unfortunately, many things costs more on 13th Avenue than they do at the mall. You can find beautiful, tznius clothing in many places, and many times, you will pay much, much less for these purchases. If you are wearing a synthetic sheital, pay a visit to a non-Jewish wig shop. If you find a suit at Macy’s for less, hire a seamstress to put in a kick-pleat.
9.
Set Goals you can Meet: The biggest mistake that people make, in my opinion, is write off ever saving anything because they don’t see hundreds of dollars in their paycheck that is going unused. However, saving money is an avodah. And saving money means saving your pennies.
10.
Reward Yourself for a Job Well Done: Financial Management and the requisite discipline is an avodah. When you have achieved a goal. Reward yourself “midah keneged midah.” If you sacrificed the pleasure of a weekly manicure for a year and saved yourself $250 for the year, go get a manicure. If you gave up your morning latte and brought your own coffee to work, saving yourself $500 a year, take the family out to the coffee shop. Good luck in your quests and reward yourself when you meet your goals!
Back in February, SS613 posted in a message on Hashkafah.com about the importance of financial responsibility. I sent her an email and this article is what I got in return! Leave any comment for SS613 or email me and I'll forward to her.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cookie
DATE: 08/25/2004 09:47:33 PM
Yasher koach. I will just point out that a money maven I was reading said that 40% of homes are in foreclosure. People should make sure that they can swing the monthly payments before buying, so they will not fall into that situation.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Gishmak
DATE: 08/29/2004 11:11:31 AM
Interesting article!
(I thought you wrote it at first, till I go to the last paragraph. I was going to ask you a suggestion of which city to buy a house in...)
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Posted by notepad at 08:25 PM | Comments (1)
July 23, 2004
Against the Wall (III)
I would like to thank Miriam, my first Guest Blogger for the following review of Against The Wall.
...
She had the book Against the Wall, which I started on Friday night and finished on Motzei Shabbos. The title sounded familiar, and after reading the back, I realized it was written about by Shlomo and Cookie. I hadn’t read their posts on it too deeply because I hadn’t read the book, and wasn’t sure what I’d find inside the pages. I was ready for a Jewish style, Libby Lazewnick type, sappy novel where teenagers have melodramatic problems, then find hope in Hashem and yay, everyone’s happy.It wasn’t like that at all.
I got pulled into the characters’ lives. I sympathized and cried for them (don’t tell anyone).The situation was dramatized realistically. We were able to see the hopes, desperation, and frustration of all parties involved.. The parents did come out as the mean ones, though, although some did try to improve. In the case of Sruly’s dad, he practically made a 180 degree turn.
All in all, it was a book parents and teachers and teenagers alike should read.
I closed the book with a feeling of relief for the characters. There were more battles and disagreements with their parents yet to come, but something inside them was fixed. Something within them was healing, was calming down, and if they continued the way they were going, would go on to lead productive, fulfilling, and even happy lives.
One of the messages I gleaned from the author is that some teens just don’t have the zitsfleish or personality to stay in the yeshiva system. It is the parents’ fault for unrealistically expecting their underachieving/restless children to stay in school, instead of sublimating their non-cookie cutter characters to a more positive vocation. They practically force their sons into miserable lives, lives that the boys will do anything to get out of.
Undoubtedly, there are too many parents who force their children onto the “only” correct path for a Torah Jew. Others, like Sruly’s, take a high handed approach to raising their children. However, as the perpetual Devil’s advocate, I feel that the parents were underrepresented. Only the worst and weakest sides of their personalities were shown. They were militantly opposed to giving their sons a little leeway, but their reasons for doing so weren’t expained well enough. When they first saw their sons leaving Torah u’mitzvos, they acted out instinctively, just like their children did. Of course, I’m not condoning their actions, only noting that their motives weren’t given the sympathy they should have gotten.
What about the flipside? What of parents who try their hardest to connect with their veering sons or daughters, but don’t get a reciprocation?
If you would like to be a Guest Blogger on this site, please email me.
Posted by notepad at 12:01 AM | Comments (0)