August 8, 2005
“We Can't Compete with Hollywood”
Is that how all menhalim think? Maybe we have to move the focus away from keeping Hollywood and the world out, and start focusing on competing with Hollywood and the world? Hollywood may spend billions on marketing and research and the world may have many temptations to lure our kids and teenagers, but maybe the Torah COULD compete! Maybe, just maybe, we can try shifting the focus just a little bit from shielding and hiding, which doesn't seem to be working, to coming out and fighting.
The Torah has one thing that all the temptations in the world cannot compete with and that is the truth. Maybe we need to keep that in mind when we face the great challenges in chinuch that we are currently facing. Maybe it is time we realize that in this global and connected world, separation from the world and “the internet” can aid in the fight but is not nearly enough. We have different yetzer haras in our generation than in generations past, but one thing didn't change: Hashem created an antidote to the yetzer hara, and that is the Torah.
Let us start being mechanech our kids with chinuch that is powerful enough to help them overcome the yetzer haras of today.
Posted by notepad at 8:05 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 20, 2005
Priorities
The Heretic has a long post and is getting a ton of attention. When I read the post and skimmed the comments I first wanted to do like everyone else, give him advice, tell him what I think and so on. Instead I decided to focus on a different aspect.
The first time I ever tried to help a teenager was when I started talking to a seventeen-year-old girl in Williamsburg who was having an affair with a married man. I was pretty much 'on the fringe' at the time yet I was smart enough to understand that she went too far. Knowing that I can't really do anything to help her myself I was trying to get her to speak to someone who could. I could not find anyone in her community to help her!
Reading a post about a chasidish yingerman who will just “find from time to time a new love,” made me realize that these are the people who make things like that happen! Her education may have been lacking, yet it is people like Heretic who will help her go way beyond the fringes. (Not to imply that 'his girls' are under-age...)
Could he choose his second option and basically become a baal tshuva? Yes he can if he finds the right mentor and takes it slowly. But he hardly concerns me at the moment. He will never get anywhere if he doesn't really want to and from his post it sounds like he doesn't really want.
The only thing I'd recommend to you, Heretic, is that if you want to continue doing what you're doing and worse, don't use other people.
If you, the reader, 'feel it,' go to this discussion or email me, and add a name. Let us help those who want to be helped.
Posted by notepad at 6:36 PM | Comments (3)
October 29, 2004
Satmar
Monsey, NY
We just moved to a whole new lower level. The streets of monsey were full of pashkevillen this morning, and I mean FULL. You in Williamsburg may be used to this, but in Monsey they're not. Who will clean up this mess? What in the world can justify the Chilul Hashem? Someone picked up two of the pashkevillen for me. One was a screaming quote from Rav Avrohom Yehoshua Soloveitzik about Rav Steinman, loosely translated, “he's going to be mechazek Torah in America, who knows how many gezeiros we will suffer from his chizuk hatorah in America?” The back side was an article from the Yediot Achronot, to show that even the chilonim are against him??!!
The other one was the one that really set me off. It's headlined “Daas Torah” and is a letter saying that it's a “Mitzva Gedola” to participate in protests against Rav Steinman to show in public that “we are against these things.” I will bore you with the list of signatures, in order: Chanina Avrohom Leitner, Yisroel Chaim Menashe Friedman, Hk. Moshe Halberstam, Hk. Tzvi Hirsh Meizlish, Moshe Menachem Tirnauer, Yoel Morgenstern, Yekisiel Yide Filup, Eliezer Chaim Blum, Tzvi Miller and Ezriel Meir Chaim Kohn.
We should “show the public” that we are “against these things!” What about being against, and showing the public that we are against, the machlokes by the largest group within our community? Can we really write letters and protest things happening in Eretz Yisroel BEFORE things happening right here? There is so much mussar we can hear from our Rabbonim for things that we have to better ourselves with, do we need to hear about how the Israelis can better themselves? I know it's a mitzva to be mocheh, but does the mitzva only apply to others?
Rav Steinman may be right and he may be wrong, but is there ANYONE who will say that the Aaron - Zalman Leib machlokes is NOT wrong? Why are our Rabbonim taking sides instead of crying out against it? How can anyone justify the spending of millions of dollars, of tzedaka money, to fight a public battle in the courts and create a chilul hashem because two brothers can't fight for Kovod and money in Beis Din?
How can my Rov still speak against tzionim every week by shaleshidis? Gevald in geshrigen, inz furen in der erd arein!!! Would the Rebbe zechisoy-ygen-uleini have let this go so far? Simchas torah is about Police Officers, reporters, and who broke whose legs? We've been trying to get the New York Times to write about us, we wanted them to write that not all jews are zionists and so on. We got them to write about us. They're having a field with a judge's decision paper saying that he was intimitaded!
I could go on and on...
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: SS613
DATE: 10/29/2004 05:12:41 PM
What is the machlochet all about? The Rav was received with great anticipation and no demonstrations here.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Pamello
DATE: 10/30/2004 02:51:49 PM
Brother against brother there are no winners.
:-(.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hasidicrebbele
DATE: 11/02/2004 12:39:44 PM
i was going to write the same but it would have been much rougher. thank u for doing it so eloquently and mentchlech.
Hashem yerachem
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Posted by notepad at 7:22 AM | Comments (1)
October 12, 2004
Equal time: Giving our daughters a chance
The following is an article By Rabbi Shmuel Gluck. Rabbi Gluck is Director of Areivim, an organization that offers our youth advice and assistance, with a wide array of support systems. This article is syndicated with the express permission of Rabbi Gluck. Teens: Rabbi Gluck welcomes your emails.
In the last few years there has been recognition that more is needed for the non-performing teenagers. This has resulted in an explosion of new Yeshivas, diverse programs, and various organizations. I believe that these efforts are bearing fruit. Teenagers today are being listened to and offered alternatives that only a few years ago were considered unacceptable.
Consider the following: 25 years ago there were about four yeshivas that dealt with the non mainstream Yeshiva bochur. These Yeshivas were still set up with the same framework as that of a typical Yeshiva. The only concession made was in recognizing that their talmidim might not be able to pay attention for long periods of time.
Today, there are dozens of programs for boys. If we consider those Yeshiva’s in Eretz Yisroel, there must be close to 100 schools or programs designed for the atypical student. I have heard that recently a boy’s culinary school opened in Eretz Yisroel.
Our mechanchim are not the only ones to recognize the need for alternative schooling. Today’s parents have come to accept that some children will not conform to any yeshiva program. Parents today are doing their best to accommodate their children with chavrusos and other innovative ideas based within the home itself.
With all the attention given to teenage boys it becomes somewhat of a wonder that 15 years ago, to my knowledge, there were still no alternative programs for the non typical Bais Yakov student. Today there are still less than 10 alternative programs for girls in existence. If we include the small out of town schools which, although mainstream, are often excellently suited for the non-city type girl, the number increases to a little more than a dozen possible options.
The sad truth is that today’s teenage girls have a more difficult time than most boys. They carry guilt, anger, and confusion more intensely than boys do. Boys have fun and forget about it. For girls, it is more often a search for meaning. Each struggle, whether victorious or not, becomes deeply ingrained within their souls.
Girls’ different motivations are clear to those who work with our teenagers. Teenage girls, particularly those that are searching for answers that they find so elusive, take to poetry, art, and other forms of self-expression. In speaking to teenage girls I have found their emotional needs and their emotional scars dramatically more severe. Even years later, after they appear happily married with their own families; there remains an internal need to purge themselves from their younger acts. To them no past deed is trivial and every thought is in need of a therapeutic response.
I do not assume that all, or even most, suffering children are inherently always in the right. My intention is to convey to the reader how deeply the teenage girl is trapped in her confusion, unhappiness and with her many internal conflicts.
Girls are confused. It is true that much of their confusion is the result of their wanting to cross boundaries, yet we must still accept the responsibility of providing them with a direction in life. We must also bring to life our views explaining as much to them as we can. If we find ourselves deficient, then we must look to others to fill this void.
After many long talks with parents and their daughters, I believe that I have gained a better understanding into their minds and insecurities and as a result have developed an approach that I would like to share in this article.
Today’s generation is way too busy. B”H the average family is significantly larger than it was 20 years go. These larger families naturally result in less time for each child. Many in our community may at times become overly concerned with possessions and our social status. This too distracts us from our most important treasure; our children.
The effect of all this is that many of us find ourselves too distracted, limiting our ability to mechanech our children. We have become numbed by the endless deadlines and numerous responsibilities that confront us daily. We find ourselves constantly reacting to emergencies. We are in a mental coma, and many of us can no longer properly anticipate our children needs until it is too late.
Many have found that we are not asking enough important questions, such as “What is going through my daughter’s mind lately? Is she happy? Does she have questions or insecurities that I should be paying attention to?” Instead, the immense pressures in our lives cause us to let things slide as long as we possibly can.
Unfortunately, allowing things to slide also allows things to build up until they reach epidemic proportions. Tzinius, substance abuse, and chilul Shabbos are a few of them. It is the boys’ rebellion, though, that most often jars us into action. They rebel in a loud attention grabbing manner. Girls, however, rebel in a way that is more often directed internally and is not felt by others.
A parent cannot ignore the son who has just been arrested. A parent can ignore the daughter who has not been herself for the last few months.
About two years ago Areivim opened a hotline for teenagers. I personally respond to the large majority of calls. I have noticed a dramatic difference between the calls that come from boys than from girls. The boys are in trouble and want to know how to get out of it. Sometimes they are feeling guilty and would like me to somehow remove the guilt. Most calls, in general, are the result of a dramatic incident.
This is clearly in contrast to the calls that I have received from the majority of teenage girls. I would listen to their explanation of why they were upset with a teacher, a parent, a friend, or a roommate. I initially felt that I was wasting my time. It all seemed so trivial. Then I reconsidered. Here were teenage girls calling a total stranger. Why? This call must be important to them. There must be a compelling reason for them to overcome the natural tendency to not share personal feelings with strangers.
These experiences made me rethink my preconceived ideas about our teen age daughters, and therefore my approach to kiruv with our teenage daughters. Maybe girls don’t need 100 different schools. Maybe they don’t need a school that teaches crafts instead of math two. Maybe today’s teenage girls just need someone to talk to, either anonymously or in person. Teenage girls, more than boys, need an e-mail or phone partner. All they need is someone to talk to late at night when they are unsure about tomorrow.
There is no doubt that many of our mentor discussions concern the big issues. I speak to 15 year old girls about not speaking to boys. I help 17 year olds try to put their lives together again. I help 18 year olds decide on the right seminary. 19 year old girls are looking for approval for their prospective choson. In these last few years I find myself also discussing parenting with the same boys and girls who, just a few years before, couldn’t understand why their parents should have the right to have any say in their own lives.
Other times though, it is difficult to pinpoint the purpose of our discussions. What is clear is that someone should take the time to listen, show empathy, although not necessarily agreement, and when needed, offer practical and effective suggestions.
Sadly, few people today take the time to listen, advise, and encourage them into real growth. This is unfortunate because teenage girls need much less of our “magic” than boys do, making their needs something that should be easily available.
Although a real need does exist for alternative schools this is not our most urgent battle front. Instead schools are training their teachers to recognize the first hints of confusion and disenchantment. Almost a year ago an experienced teacher commented to me that, “Most teachers don’t look to see what is behind our student’s eyes. Even if we notice the sadness within them we do not know what to do.” Today the school has begun to adapt to this challenge.
It might be the time to ask our teachers, particularly those who have recently come back from Eretz Yisroel, to humanize themselves a little more to their students. Structure is essential yet so is the expressing of our human side. Difficult, yet not impossible, this two pronged approach must become the standard of success within our Bais Yakov teachers.
There are already many such committed mechanecheses. Many teachers recognize the individuality of each student and have taken upon themselves one student as a special project. Other teachers feel that they are not able to undertake a student, and search for a former teacher, or an affiliated big sister. Often a mentor with true Torah hashkofo as well one who has an appreciation of the school’s philosophy is assigned to this girl.
Equally important is the need to help our teachers learn to articulate the widely accepted and only recently challenged halochos of our Bnos Yisroel. It is ironic that because certain Halachas and minhagim has been so widely accepted within our schools and homes that many of us, even our teachers, have forgotten how to explain its source, its halachic guidelines, its chumros, and more importantly, the beauty of these mitzvos.
I would like to conclude by confirming that: mi k’amcho Yisroel. Klal Yisroel continuously adapts to each nisoin presented to us during our long golus. Most recently we have learned to understand our teenage sons and are making headway in that area. Certainly we are just as capable of offering our daughters the same energy and vision to help them through their challenges.
An edited version of this article appeared in the Jewish Observer.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: aishel
DATE: 10/12/2004 08:38:52 PM
Very well written. I actually know someone who just went to Israel to go to that culinary school.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ahavah
DATE: 10/27/2004 01:37:40 PM
This is a very nice and well-written article, but it doesn't mention anorexia, a major problem amoung many orthodox girls these days, at all.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: SS613
DATE: 10/27/2004 02:56:44 PM
I enjoyed the article, but don't think that the solution offered is what is needed. He identifies a real problem (todays family is too busy) and that there is not enough time for each child. Then he offers a solution that younger teachers should adopt a student and give them extra attention. The solution might be pleasing to many, but I don't think that it gets at the core problem. Children want attention from their parents. Attention from other adult may alleviate the problem, but it does not get at the core of the problem, parents do not carve out time for their children.
I think what we really need is school schedules that allow more time for family, schools and parents that believe that the parents are responsible for chinuch and that the schools are there to assist rather than take over, more stay at home mothers which means that we must find a solution to high tuitions, high living costs, and general overindulgence.
I'll post the article on hashkafah with my comments for further discussion.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Shmuel Gluck
DATE: 10/28/2004 09:51:27 AM
You can't respond that the article does not mention anorexia, bulimia or
self mutilation. The reason is that the point was that we, parents,
relatives, and friends have an immense amount of control over the girls
progressive slide downward. Talk! It avoids a significant amount more
problems then talking to boys will. If done during the earlier stages it
can't avoid much of the symptoms. If done once the problem was allowed to
exist it will help lesson the symptoms. By lessoning the symptoms and the
girls stress level it will make the girl either have more self control or
become more of a working partner to look for professional assistance.
This does not mean that girls do not have serious problems and talking is
an all-cure. It simply highlights an approach which can't dramatically
cut down on the percentages and is overlooked.
Thanks
Shmuel Gluck
PS. This response to Ahavah's comment was emailed to me and I posted it under Rabbi Gluck's name. ---Shlomo
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ahavah
DATE: 10/29/2004 10:19:30 AM
Dear Rabbi Gluck,
Thank you for responding to my comment. I understand now why you did not specify any particular problems.
Thank you once again for writing such an insightful article.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: SS613
DATE: 10/29/2004 05:10:18 PM
I was speaking to a friend about the idea of mentoring. She thought that the Rabbi did provide a solution to the family being busy (which I did not believe that he did). She seemed to feel that there is no way in todays day you could get mothers to be home more or that you could get fathers to be home more when they want time in the beis medrash. Therefore, it is necessary that someone else step in.
Her perspective is interesting. I'm not a career woman, although I've had a career pre-marriage and I enjoyed my career very much.
I personally do not believe that "hired help" is the solution and that it is incumbent on parents to be responsible for their children. However, I think I am pretty much alone in my thoughts and beliefs.
I've spoke with numerous young, fru?, Bais Yaakov type married women and they overwhelming believe that you cannot expect young women of today to stay home (even if money is not an issue). The ones that want to stay home, and I do know a few, are the exception.
Well, if that is the case, I guess his solution is more practical than anything I can come up with because I would start by trying to institute ideas that would make the family less busy. I can already think of numerous things that eat into all important family time! But, maybe reality is against me.
What does everyone else think?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cookie
DATE: 11/02/2004 10:23:02 PM
SS613: Not all who work have the option of staying home. Having said that, I still believe it's primarily our job to raise our kids. (I say primarily because we have to do hishtadlus, but it's ultimately about Siyata Dishmaya). On the other hand, I agree with Rabbi Gluck as well....If you understand the mind of teens, the unfortunate paradox is that it is frequently difficult for them to communicate with those who care most about them. It is not always possible to say it's the parents' fault, certainly not for the last couple of generations, where I feel a combination of poor European-style psychology (or understanding of what a relationship should look like) and post-Holocaust stuff often seriously messed up the quality of relationships between parents and kids. And sometimes a kid is hard to get through to, and some parents are (sadly but truly) incapable of learning new behavior patterns, or understanding where they are failing to create a relationship - not everyone is emotionally intelligent. This has nothing to do with staying at home or working, just that for our generation, it's easy to say that working mothers don't have the time, so they're not investing. (i.e. Maybe if they didn't work, and did have the time, they still would come up short because of the other dynamics of the relationship.)
Considering all this, I think it's good that kids have whom to talk to. If it can be a parent, that's ideal. But if it can't, for whatever reason, it's a good thing for a kid to know that someone out there will listen.
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Posted by notepad at 6:55 PM | Comments (1)
August 30, 2004
Pearls II
So you read the review and disclaimer and decided not to read the book. Here's Miriam with the entire book condensed into one, easy to read, post.
The Romance Reader
What a horrible, depressing book.
Ms. Abraham currently teaches writing. I hope she doesn’t forget to tell her students what she herself forgot—readers must like and sympathize with the protagonist. They are supposed to root for the poor girl who just wants out of the life her parents set out for her. Instead, I read about a conniver with impossible dreams. Books are also supposed to have a steady rise to climax, then a conclusion. This book had a series of conflicts, and then the line went dead. It ended not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Rachel is a Chassidish girl whose father dreams of grandeur as a Rebbe. Perhaps he craves respect from phantom Chassidim to make up for the lack of respect his wife has for him. Rachel is a dreamer like her father, but they want different things. Father wants to emulate the Baal Shem Tov, the founder of the Chassidic movement, while Rachel wants to imitate the characters from her Harlequin books.
Both see some realization of their dreams. Through hard work, living in poverty and with a shrewish wife, Father builds his synagogue (why Abraham can’t use the word “shul” I don’t know) and keeps expanding his vision. He meets with opposition from nature, from his wife, and from fellow Jews, but he is persistent. From a shack of a shul with an inconsistent minyan, to a steady minyan of plain workers, his ideas slowly bear fruit.
Among his obstacles is his daughter Rachel. Rachel who wants a library card, Rachel who discards her opaque tights for sheer stockings, Rachel who creates a scandal when the neighbors learn that she wears bathing suits instead of a jumper at the pool. Rachel who doesn’t want the life that her parents are laying out for her. The romance novels she stuffs under her pillows at night promise a life of silks, of men who aren’t afraid to touch, of a life where seamed stockings are irrelevant.
Her life is a series of small victories against her parents—the stolen books from Waldbaums, illicit talks with her friend Elky, eating on Yom Kippur, riding the train on Rosh Hashana, lifeguard lessons.
Rachel wishes her mother could be like her neighbor, Gita. Gita smiles and hands out cookies. Tova frowns, threatens to leave the family and run away to Israel, and yells at Father in front of the children. She is a cold woman whose rare smiles are brief reprieves from the tension she stirs in the household.
When shadchanim call about Rachel, her parents listen. It’s important for Rachel to grab a good one, a rebbishe bachur, both to bolster her father’s reputation and to provide a strong precedent for the younger childrens’ prospects. But Rachel’s past, the bathing suits, the stockings, frighten away some potential matches. Father’s insistence that the boy be rebbish turns yet others away. Finally, Israel (Yisrool?) gets past the radar because Father knew his family from before the War in Romania. Israel comes on a bus with his parents and grandmother from Brooklyn. His grandmother was expecting a L’chaim. Rachel disappoints after a short meeting with Israel; she needs time before her decision. Israel’s parents are generous; they agree to come back the next afternoon for another b’show, but after that they really must know her decision. After another short talk, Rachel agrees to marry Israel. She wants her Harlequin hero, but Israel and his blue eyes would have to suffice… for now. Even before her wedding, all during the preparations, Rachel plotted her divorce. And she got it, less than one week into a marriage that had already turned sour. Rachel was back with her family again.
And that’s how the book ended.
I wanted to sympathize with Rachel. She had a lot going against her. She was a sensualist in Chassidish clothing, a rebbe’s daughter who just wanted a “normal” life. She didn’t want to get married and have eight children, but saw marriage as her only escape from her stifling parents. But as I said in the beginning, I just couldn’t. Rachel isn’t a likable person. She’s too headstrong and selfish. Her parents aren’t all that likable either. Her mother is fed up with life, and her father doesn’t have his feet firmly set on earth.
All in all, an unpleasant family and an unpleasant book.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cookie
DATE: 08/30/2004 03:23:16 PM
Thanks, Miriam. Great review :) Sounds like her anger and general bad feelings about her past cloud Pearl's literary judgment.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rinx
DATE: 09/01/2004 10:40:07 PM
sounds like "abyss"-that new book... but also sounds like one of those they wouldn't have in a monsey jewish library-overstepped the line...poor rachel's family...rachel thinks living a chassidish life isn't normal?! well its more normal than the other lives i know...
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: the Shaigetz
DATE: 09/07/2004 01:12:43 PM
What a refreshingly honest review. I dont usually read novels written by orthodox jews because the tend to be so utterly boring and badly written. This one seems no exception and you have very dispassionately (it seems, me not having read it)called a spade a spade.
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Posted by notepad at 3:04 PM | Comments (0)
August 25, 2004
Basic Financial Management
by SS613
My purpose in writing this column is to give those in the heimishe velt, who are beginning to build their own families, some tips for sound financial management. Nothing that I have written here is particularly unique, nor do I purport to solve everyone’s financial issues, as I cannot do that in such a forum. Rather, I come with a list of methods and ideas to think about and to experiment with.
1.
Establish a Budget: Using a computer spreadsheet, delineate all sources of income and all areas of expenditures. There will be two types of expenditures: fixed and variable. Fixed expenditures are expenditures that do not change from month to month, such as rent/mortgage, insurance, tuition, etc. Variable expenditures are expenditures that change from month to month. These include food, utilities, clothing, entertainment, gas, parking, dry cleaning, etc. Make sure to include a separate line item for all major areas of expenditures, as well as for minor areas of common expenditures.
Track Actual Budget: Track every penny that comes in and that goes out for a period of time. I recommend about six months. Although it is difficult to track every expenditure made by every person, it is necessary because this is how you will identify areas that can be targeted for change.
Identify Areas to Cut: Once you know where you are spending your money, you can start to identify areas that can be cut. Often times our resources are being chipped away at by small expenditures. Is the soda machine drinking you dry? Is dry cleaning cleaning out your wallet? Are your sheital setting fees setting you up for financial disaster? Small expenditures add up over time. Many of these could be cut if you just could identify them. Eating out, take-out, convenience foods, coffee, paper goods, dry cleaning, manicures/pedicures, and credit card interest are good places to start.
If you are willing to undergo a major change, consider moving to a less expensive area. There are many communities throughout the United States would love to have you. You might be able to cut your rent in half by giving these communities throughout the United States a try. In addition, it will be easier to buy a house in one of the communities.
2.
Live Below you means: Successful financial management includes controlling your emotions and desires. Pirchei Avos tells us that the rich man is the one who is pleased with his lot. Being pleased with your lot requires a great amount of internal discipline. You certainly don’t want to set yourself up in a situation where you are unhappy with your status because you must adjust your lifestyle downwards. Therefore, it is highly advisable to live below your means. And, most successful people in the United States do just that.
You must be able to define between needs and wants and to learn the value of deferred gratification. You do need clothing, but is it necessary to have a $200 plus outfits for daily and Shabbos use? You do need to eat food, but are you spending too much money on take-out? You do need to have a seudas mitzvah for you newborn son’s bris, but do you need to have balloons at every table? You do need a way to communicate with the outside world, but do you need the latest technology right now? You do need to cover your hair, but do you need a custom sheital?
In the frum velt, we spend a great amount of money on Chassunas, Bar Mitzvahs, other simchas, Pesach vacations, engagement gifts, camp, clothing, etc. Not everyone has the means to make such expenditures. And, not everyone wants to make such expenditures. There certainly is a great deal of pressure to make spend beyond our means, and it is necessary to learn to say no and to control your impulses.
3.
Avoid Debt: There are two types of debt, good debt and bad debt. Good debt is defined as a mortgage. Bad debt is defined as credit card debt. Avoiding bad debt is necessary in the quest for sound financial management. If you are using credit cards, pay in full every month to avoid interest charges. That blouse you loved could end up costing you twice as much by the time you pay interest! If you are currently only making the minimum payment, work to cut your expenditures and apply the amount saved to your credit card balance. Any unexpected and unbudgeted income should also be used to pay down credit card debt.
Don’t overestimate the value of credit card benefits that you are receiving (miles, cash back, point for merchandise), if you are unable to pay off your balances in full every month or if you find your self spending more just because you can. If you are not using your credit card responsibly, start paying for purchases by cash or by check. Having to part with your money immediately is often a deterrent to unnecessary expenditures and an impetus to seeking out better options for necessary expenditures. Of course, make sure to avoid ATM fees!
4.
Take Advantage of the Tax System: The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) Tax Code encourages certain behavior and rewards you for these behaviors. Familiarize yourself with the tax code so that you can take advantage of it. The most beneficial way to save in taxes is to buy a house. When you have a mortgage, you will normally qualify for itemized deductions. Once you are itemizing and taking a deduction for mortgage interest, you can also start to take deductions for charitable contributions. Yes, you heard me correctly, the tzedakah that you give every month to qualified organizations, becomes tax deductible. You most be able to substantiate your deductions, so once you can deduct tzedakah, I recommend paying your tzedakah payments by check or credit card. That way, you can keep track of such payments.
Of course, buying a house is hard work. But, the advantages owning a home or a condo are so great that it is a worthy goal. Remember, your monthly mortgage might cost more right now, but in a few years, rent will catch up and surpass that mortgage. Try to find your way into any type of home or condo that you can because there is one more great benefit that the IRS Tax Code offers: a tax free gain of up to $500,000 for a married couple for a home IF you reside in the home as a primary residence for 2 of the past 5 years. Therefore, don’t worry about buying your dream home, if you can, buy something and live in it for at least two years. The tax free gain can be used to buy your dream home!
5.
Don’t pass up free money: A common mistake people make is passing up free money. If your employer offers a 401(k) retirement plan, chances are that the employer will match your contributions after a set period of time, up to a certain percentage of your salary. This is known as vesting.
Imagine that your company allows employees to vest after 10 years and will match contributions of up to 5%. If you make $30,000 a year and contribute 5%, or $1,500 per year, after 10 years you will receive a matching contribution of $15,000.
6.
Know your prices: Before you buy anything, especially major purchases, research prices. Don’t assume that buying at discount stores, such as Ross or Marshall’s, will cost you less. A lot of research can be done on line, which is a great way to avoid the temptations of the mall. Get to know prices for everyday prices too. Pennies saved on groceries and diapers will add up.
7.
Be Creative: Creativity can save you a pretty penny. Can you wash your own sheital? Can you wear a hat or tichel outside the home to cut down on wear and tear on your sheital? Can you buy meat in bulk with a friend, saving both of you money? Can you form a babysitting co-op with a group of friends and do away with babysitting costs? If you are a mother working outside of the home, can you work a different shift than your husband works (or learns), so you don’t have to hire a babysitter? Can you borrow a swing for your baby? Can you borrow baby clothing?
8.
Shop Outside the Velt: Unfortunately, many things costs more on 13th Avenue than they do at the mall. You can find beautiful, tznius clothing in many places, and many times, you will pay much, much less for these purchases. If you are wearing a synthetic sheital, pay a visit to a non-Jewish wig shop. If you find a suit at Macy’s for less, hire a seamstress to put in a kick-pleat.
9.
Set Goals you can Meet: The biggest mistake that people make, in my opinion, is write off ever saving anything because they don’t see hundreds of dollars in their paycheck that is going unused. However, saving money is an avodah. And saving money means saving your pennies.
10.
Reward Yourself for a Job Well Done: Financial Management and the requisite discipline is an avodah. When you have achieved a goal. Reward yourself “midah keneged midah.” If you sacrificed the pleasure of a weekly manicure for a year and saved yourself $250 for the year, go get a manicure. If you gave up your morning latte and brought your own coffee to work, saving yourself $500 a year, take the family out to the coffee shop. Good luck in your quests and reward yourself when you meet your goals!
Back in February, SS613 posted in a message on Hashkafah.com about the importance of financial responsibility. I sent her an email and this article is what I got in return! Leave any comment for SS613 or email me and I'll forward to her.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cookie
DATE: 08/25/2004 09:47:33 PM
Yasher koach. I will just point out that a money maven I was reading said that 40% of homes are in foreclosure. People should make sure that they can swing the monthly payments before buying, so they will not fall into that situation.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Gishmak
DATE: 08/29/2004 11:11:31 AM
Interesting article!
(I thought you wrote it at first, till I go to the last paragraph. I was going to ask you a suggestion of which city to buy a house in...)
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Posted by notepad at 8:25 PM | Comments (1)
August 23, 2004
Pearls
I recently read The Romance Reader by Pearl Abraham. The Romance Reader is a novel about a Chasidishe girl, Rachel, growing up in a chasidishe home yet not fitting in. While The Romance Reader is officially a novel, it really is the story of the authors life. I will try not to focus on the discrepancies between the book and the real history, because that will take up a lot of space and is not a point I am trying to make. In short, she wrote that book to vent her anger and frustrations. She is really just as self-centered as her father is and is looking to blame society for everything that went wrong in her life. In the book Rachel describes how her sister kept telling her she should know her limits and go step by step, while she wanted to take the entire staircase at a time. In real-life her sister settled down to a normal, yet not chasidish, life. While Pearl is still out there somewhere trying to find herself and blaming her upbringing for everything that went wrong in her life.
To the general public, the appeal of The Romance Reader is the glimpse into a closed world, namely, our chasidishe world. However, she failed at that as well. Reviewers such as Shana Mauer, did not see the book as revealing at all. “One begins the book anticipating a titillating view of a closed world that is hostile to the gaze of outsiders. However, in this instance, such expectations are unfulfilled and The Romance Reader disappoints. Where one would hope to encounter an intimate look at the specific idiosyncrasies of Chasidic adolescents, their family, and community, nothing more is offered than a cursory whitewash of that world, an account that could be easily gleaned frotext on Jewish culture containing the most basic overview of life within the many encyclopedia or confines of Chasidic Judaism.”
All that was not the focus of this review. When I read The Romance Reader, with little knowledge of the history behind it, I wasn't struck by Rachel’s shameless stealing. I didn't see the rude way in which she used her husband to get out of her house, I saw a girl slipping off the derech without thinking about it. I saw a girl without a backbone, doing whatever it is that came her way without thinking. I saw a girl eating on Yom Kippur without thinking “I don't believe in G-d, I can eat on Yom Kippur.” She ate simply because her hands touched a bag of pretzels! Yet she had no backbone. She didn't follow her dreams. She didn't leave the house and went to live her own life, she stayed on, got married to the boy her parents wanted her to get married, and then left him when he slept past their stop on a bus! Here is a girl letting herself be pulled by whatever emotions are pulling her at the moment, and blaming her environment for everything that went wrong in her life.
DISCLAIMER: I do not recommend you read the book, as there are parts that really do not need to be read. A teenagers dream is fine to have, not to read about.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR:
DATE: 08/23/2004 09:20:03 PM
What was your point in reading this book? This must be what "seforim chitzoinim" is -- a biting book by a frei person bashing our way of life. Did it make you grow in any way?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Shlomo
DATE: 08/23/2004 09:26:05 PM
My point in starting to read this book was curiosity, as I know the family and I know the town. The reason I reviewed the book, is to bring out the point that some teenagers who “bum out” do so without any real reason and unjustifiably blame their environment for it. In general I am very much pro-at-risk-teens, but I feel that people need to recognize the difference between one who bums out, let's say, intellectually and one who bums out like Rachel in the story. Both types need to be helped, each in their own way.
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Posted by notepad at 8:49 PM | Comments (0)
July 23, 2004
Against the Wall (III)
I would like to thank Miriam, my first Guest Blogger for the following review of Against The Wall.
...
She had the book Against the Wall, which I started on Friday night and finished on Motzei Shabbos. The title sounded familiar, and after reading the back, I realized it was written about by Shlomo and Cookie. I hadn’t read their posts on it too deeply because I hadn’t read the book, and wasn’t sure what I’d find inside the pages. I was ready for a Jewish style, Libby Lazewnick type, sappy novel where teenagers have melodramatic problems, then find hope in Hashem and yay, everyone’s happy.It wasn’t like that at all.
I got pulled into the characters’ lives. I sympathized and cried for them (don’t tell anyone).The situation was dramatized realistically. We were able to see the hopes, desperation, and frustration of all parties involved.. The parents did come out as the mean ones, though, although some did try to improve. In the case of Sruly’s dad, he practically made a 180 degree turn.
All in all, it was a book parents and teachers and teenagers alike should read.
I closed the book with a feeling of relief for the characters. There were more battles and disagreements with their parents yet to come, but something inside them was fixed. Something within them was healing, was calming down, and if they continued the way they were going, would go on to lead productive, fulfilling, and even happy lives.
One of the messages I gleaned from the author is that some teens just don’t have the zitsfleish or personality to stay in the yeshiva system. It is the parents’ fault for unrealistically expecting their underachieving/restless children to stay in school, instead of sublimating their non-cookie cutter characters to a more positive vocation. They practically force their sons into miserable lives, lives that the boys will do anything to get out of.
Undoubtedly, there are too many parents who force their children onto the “only” correct path for a Torah Jew. Others, like Sruly’s, take a high handed approach to raising their children. However, as the perpetual Devil’s advocate, I feel that the parents were underrepresented. Only the worst and weakest sides of their personalities were shown. They were militantly opposed to giving their sons a little leeway, but their reasons for doing so weren’t expained well enough. When they first saw their sons leaving Torah u’mitzvos, they acted out instinctively, just like their children did. Of course, I’m not condoning their actions, only noting that their motives weren’t given the sympathy they should have gotten.
What about the flipside? What of parents who try their hardest to connect with their veering sons or daughters, but don’t get a reciprocation?
If you would like to be a Guest Blogger on this site, please email me.
Posted by notepad at 12:01 AM | Comments (0)
July 15, 2004
Real or Fake?
This is the story of a boy named Yoeli.
Yoeli is 19 years old and is currently learning in Mir. Yoeli had learnt in a local Yeshiva Ketana and had gone off to Gateshead after that. His parents had to use a lot of protektzia, and a few dollars, to get him into Gateshead, since he was an American and chasidish to boot, but they did it and he went. On his first flight to London's Heathrow airport he saw a movie for the first time in his life. At the ripe age of sixteen, Yoeli started to see the world through a new set of eyes. He learnt all about football and touring all around the west end. Yoeli didn't ‘bum out,' Yoeli stayed a feine yeshiva bucher, at least in the eyes of anyone who saw him. His close friends however, noticed that he has changed. So it continued, Yoeli did more and more things that he hadn't dreamed of doing just a few short months earlier.
After two years in Gateshead, the beginning of the first being very different than the end of the second, Yoeli went on to Eretz Yisroel. Here a whole new world opened up to him. He arranged himself a dirah with a few 'with-it' guys and steps into Beis Medrash for about fifteen minutes a day, when he's in town. In the past year he has toured all of Israel, and then some. He has eaten many a meal with nary a questionable hashgacha. His collection of mp3 cds has reached a high of over four thousand songs, some of them chasidish. He thinks he hasn't missed a day of putting on tefillin but he's really not sure, or at least that's what he tells me.
Yoeli just got engaged! He did a very nice shidduch at the ripe age of nineteen. His father's money and family's good name had a little to do with it and the girl doesn't really know him, she only met him twice for an hour, but he has a good name. He always watched his back in the good old days. "Are the gold days over? No more clubs? No more loud music? No more beaches?" Vus epes not? I think my kallah is OK, I think she'll be 'with-it'. "So, eight months without talking to a girl?" Hey, I'll try. She's really nice and she's my type. I think I can get her a cell phone or something. "What about smoking? Does she know you smoke?" Nah, she doesn't, I'm quitting anyway, when I get married.
This is the story of a boy named Shlomie.
Shlomie is 22 years old and has been working at Brooklyn Electronics for three years, the last two as warehouse manager. Shlomie also learnt in his local yeshiva ketana and then went on to London. In his three years in London, Shlomie developed a liking to movies. The highlight of his week was sneaking to a theater on Motzai Shabbos and catching the latest blockbuster. He would go to a bar once in a while if there was major football match but he didn't frequent bars. The rest of the time he struggled in yeshiva. He was pretty smart but had trouble with his first maggid shiur. After that everything pretty much went downhill.
When he turned 18 he started telling his father that he wants to go to work. His father wouldn't hear of it. All the mashgichim and mashpi'im we're trying to convince him to stay in yeshiva. He stayed on until his was 19 and outgrew the London yeshiva. He came home and put his foot down, he's going to work. After being home for few weeks at the beginning of the zman, his father relented and helped him find a job. He found a job at Brooklyn Electronics as a warehouse employee. In short order he became the manager's 'right hand man' and got his job a year later.
In the three years that Shlomie worked at Brooklyn Electronics, he changed a lot. The structured environment of the job somehow changed him. He now has a chavrusa every day and learns Gemara be'iun. He davens with a minyan three times a day and helps out a few local chesed organizations. He doesn't have much time to 'hang out', but more importantly, he doesn't want to anymore. Shlomie made a connection with an ehrlicher yid in his community and learnt what yiddishkeit is all about. He now enjoys most of the mitzvos he does and knows he's getting better by the day.
Shlomie is still looking for his shidduch. He has a stigma; he's a "working boy."
Yoeli and Shlomie's stories may have been a little exaggerated, but I think I got my point across. It is time parents realize that some working boys are real and some learning boys are fake.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: perel
DATE: 07/15/2004 09:36:31 AM
*sigh*
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ek
DATE: 07/15/2004 09:53:33 AM
I wish "shloimie" all the best~~Really.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR:
DATE: 07/16/2004 09:45:05 AM
ESSE QUAM VIDERI
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: steve
DATE: 07/18/2004 01:35:44 PM
Hey if Shlomi is an FFB from the right family he'll find a shid no problem. If you're a BT and the biggest masmid around, you still get treated like dogsh***t.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Meredith
DATE: 07/19/2004 06:47:14 PM
Yeah, it sucks. Just be happy if you're on the good end.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miri
DATE: 07/19/2004 10:59:16 PM
So why aren't all these shidduchless working boys banging down my door? I'll take'em!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rinx
DATE: 07/21/2004 08:59:13 PM
Whoever treats bts like sh**t(btw, its spelled with one star) will be treated like that when they pazz on... I think brand names have more prestige than the yichus crop everyone talks about... I think they should start leaving the info if your chasidish, modern, etc.. out oof the shidduch stuff, because nowadays there can be chasidish bums, and b.t. frum ppl..
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cookie
DATE: 07/22/2004 11:15:46 PM
I have this theory about people ultimately getting what they deserve...whether she really is "his type", or whether he does find himself changing for her (something no thinking person sets out to do, but hey, it does happen), or whether it takes getting ?o the other side for the bill to be paid.
It's weird, that. If you observe a little, you can find a lot of couples who are totally not even on remotely similar wavelengths. Somehow they either have this ability to agree to disagree, or a higher purpose, or something. Whatever it is, it's motivating them to put in the effort it takes to live with someone to whom they normally wouldn't give time of day.
Where there are kids involved, I'm totally for sweating it to achieve a workable relationship. It's the others (no kids yet/kids all married) that I find somewhat bizarre.
But I digress.
Here's praying that Shlomie some day (soon, I hope) find his special one, who will treasure him for what he is.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: A Yungerman
DATE: 08/01/2004 11:11:47 PM
Yup! Movies are a threat to heimishe Bochurim Medilech, Yungeleit and Weiblech.
And the Computer.Internet/dvd all have done terrible damage to the frum and chasidish lifestyle.
We're waiting for the geula more then ever before!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: berel yonah
DATE: 08/09/2004 01:05:59 PM
sadly the story of many. learning in mir myself i know plenty such cases
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mark roth
DATE: 08/11/2004 11:17:19 AM
I am a secular Jew of hasidic east-european descent-the lifestyle I read of on these blogs doesnt match my parents descriptions of their parents-they were hasidic but they were jews foremost and regular people. The post-war hasidic reality is twisted and perverted and bizzare.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rinx
DATE: 08/17/2004 04:14:27 PM
Mr. Yungermon-the gueala comes by jews involving themselves in torah lives... and doing holy acts known as mitzvos... there is smthng you can do about all this bad happening in the world-protect yourself from it... and become the holiest you can, and be a kiddush Hashem for those "off the d"..
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: G Green
DATE: 10/18/2004 07:36:44 PM
Firstly I got to give you a big Shkoyach for linking me on your site.
It is a sorry state of affairs but absolutely true. I dont know if Shlomie and Yoeli are "real" people but I definately know guys like that - except for the "working boy" title given, you just need to speak to the right shadchonim. The worst thing is in Yolie's case, the parents & society dont see the real him (or just pretend its not there), causing all kinds of problems later on.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR:
DATE: 11/10/2004 05:37:27 PM
sad to say but this kind of yoily is among countless chasidishe bouchrim and just because they dont change their outer apperances ppl think their as good as they look i myself am a ex chasid and i have a lot frends that are like that
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: sam
DATE: 11/10/2004 05:47:03 PM
sad to say but this kind of yoeli is among countless chasidishe bouchrim and just because they dont change their outer apperances people think they are as good as they look i am a ex chsid myself and i have many many frends that are like that
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Posted by notepad at 12:01 AM | Comments (1)
June 1, 2004
Against the Wall (II)
I will try to counter-balance Cookie’s five posts on Against The Wall. While Cookie is her usual perceptive self and pinpoints all the little things, she overdoes it sometimes: “I had a seriously hard time believing that someone whose husband is Jerry and son is Oved has a name like Malky. Jillian, yes. Malka, maybe. Malky?”
I don't know whether this is still true today. Drugs are a big factor in today's scene. They were not so common in the young frum world when I was in my teens, and what I've seen seems to indicate that when you add drugs to the mix, a brush with freiing-out turns much more permanent.Let’s not forget that drugs are an effect, not a cause. No serious learning boy that is far from the fringe will use drugs. Yes drugs will push a teen farther out, but we should be dealing with their issues before it gets to that point. I know many teen that fell by the wayside without ever using drugs. If I may use myself as an example, I was pretty close to ‘the edge,’ yet I never touched drugs.
Let me take this opportunity to remind you, teens on the fringe are not just at a risk of dropping their Yiddishkeit, they are also at a great risk of losing their chances of living their lives as productive citizens in ANY society. It goes without saying that from a Torah perspective, losing their Yiddishkeit is more than enough reason to worry and a life without Torah is an empty life whether you are a ‘productive citizen of society’ or not.
I always found it odd that a person would spiritually leave a community yet physically remain in it. When I was younger, I had pretty definite ideas about this. If I was being charitable, I attributed it to a lack of funds; you couldn't make it on your own two feet in the real world, so you'd mooch off your parents, rely on your neighbors for a job, and do whatever the hell you please. What a loser. If I was being less charitable, I attributed it to a desire for attention. Look, in the real world nobody cares if you look like a dude. Everyone else can or does. You're only distinctive in a frum community, because you look so different.Here’s my try to shed some light on the above from a ‘been there done that’ perspective. While the two points Cookie mentions are real in a way, there are many more ‘colors’ to it. There’s the craving for love. Hashem created a person with a certain connection to family that no amount of hate can completely erase. There’s a subconscious hope for love that is a factor in keeping a wayward teen at home. The main reason, in my opinion, that they stay in the community at least physically, is friends. It takes a lot to transplant yourself somewhere without any friends in similar situations. You cannot transplant a kid who grew up with a privileged upbringing in upper-Manhattan, to a farm town in middle of nowhere. I think that if somehow five teens would get together and move to say, Phoenix, Arizona, a community would develop at an alarming pace.
Another thing that keeps teens in place is the bridges that have not been burnt. Teens get that feeling of belonging when they still have some connection to people in the community, positive connections. Keep the lines of communication open with a teen on the fringe in your community and you are dramatically increasing his chances of coming back to a real life, the life of Torah. You may say “Why should I give a job to a loser ‘vus halt by gurnisht’?” Or “how can I ‘stay friends’ with him, he will think I condone the life he’s leading?” Remember: their lives are not real happy lives, if you burn the bridges, where will they turn to when they get that pang of guilt? Or when they reach rock bottom? If all bridges are burnt, that little Hisorrerus Hashem sends once in while will do nothing for him, it will sent him farther into depression and cause him to stray even further. If you keep a bridge open, he MIGHT just turn around and talk to you. No, he won’t just ‘come back.’ But isn’t it worth it? There are chances that one of Hashem’s wake-up calls will cause him to really re-consider his life. If he has nowhere to turn to, if all the bridges were burnt, he will have no outlet. It takes a very loud bell to get someone to wake up and come back, it takes a bell much louder to get him to swim back on his own.
I may have veered off-course here, and I apologize.
To Mrs. Pearlman if she’s reading: Thank you for a great book. Thank you for touching on topics that have been under the carpet and trampled on for way to long. Keep it up!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: a reader
DATE: 06/02/2004 11:25:11 PM
Excellent article. You really nailed it.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cookie
DATE: 06/10/2004 02:17:15 PM
Sorry it has taken so long. Good call on the hairsplitting thing; I've been doing it all my life as far as I can remember. I save my cloudy vision for my kids so I can pretend not to notice every time they try to sneak something past me! Thanks to this, though, I will not post a piece of the next installment (about Sruli's relationship with his mother).
I will argue about drugs not also being a cause.
Here, I am thinking specifically of girls. This is a whole topic unto itself, because the dynamics of girls on the fringe is quite a bit different than boys. Briefly, and from one angle, girls are less quickly forgiven for their transgressions. A girl who is flirting with risk-type behavior and gets into drugs is likely to damage herself, perhaps even unwittingly, in a way that she (and probably the community) views as beyond repair. (This ties with what you said - "they are also at a great risk of losing their chances of living their lives as productive citizens in ANY society")
Once a person has given up on himself, we are dealing with a downward spiral that is very hard, if not impossible, to reverse.
In this way, I think drugs can be viewed as the determining factor in the girl's future. With it, virtually no future. Without it, a chance.
I got an email from a reader describing a boy she knew of who was on drugs at ELEVEN YEARS OF AGE. Is this not insane? Someone like that hasn't had time to become or not become a serious learner. His life has been messed up before he's even had a chance to start living it.
Which brings us back to the fact that the issues need to be dealt with before it ever gets to drugs. I cannot agree more with this, and any reader of my blog should know that I'm big on the emphasis I place on individuals and their responsibilities. That includes parents and our obligation to parent in a reasonably responsible manner. If this emphasis hasn't been obvious until now, it should become clear within the next few weeks, when I hope to be dealing with the disturbing parenting skills presented in the book.
Last, the "colors" you add to the picture are part of the dimension some people have a hard time understanding: that despite all the bad feeling, and the emotional distance, there is still that tug. Perhaps it is the desire for love, or for friendship, or for the aching familiarity of what was, but there's something that pulls the heart of a Sruli to get a train ticket to Golders Green...instead of Balham. And we are serious fools if we reject instead of reaching out to that.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rinx
DATE: 06/23/2004 09:38:34 PM
youd be interested in "Abyss", its not written well, but brings just about the same point across...
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Posted by notepad at 10:00 PM | Comments (0)
Slurpees and Connections
It seems the staff over at Rinx’ place are finally using those brains they usually lock in the closet. (“I went into Chumash class fuming and convinced the staff have a special closet to keep their brains when they come to school for fear of using them.” –Rinx)
From Rinx’ post around May 12th:
In school I told my friends I think the teachers had a meeting that each teacher should get one of us, and help us achieve our utmost, and to shape us into perfect young ladies. Because E.G. has the science teacher speaking to her always. I have the bekias (parshah covering ground) teacher giving me hugs and kisses and writing me long notes on my quizzes how much I can achieve, and how talented I am, but it all goes nowhere without motivation, and it’s such a pity.
Here’s some more from the same update:
So then the teacher comes in and says “I don't know what's going on here, but I know how this faculty works, you girls should behave for one or two days, then I can ask her if we can go outside, then slowly we'll go wherever you want. I can take you girls to the park, or on any little trips in my mini-van.” This was so not expected from this strict professional degree teacher that we all didn't know what to make of it. Before we’re dismissed the principal’s back and says “Monday, you'll all have to sit in a straight row, and no talking.” So once we get outside, to freedom, were like “Hey we got a driver! This teacher’s not an enemy, she kewl!”
Rinx may be taking it the wrong way when she thinks that this teacher will just be their driver, but I see something entirely different here. I see a teacher willing to think outside the box. I see a teacher willing to do more than come into class and baby-sit. I see a teacher bothering to win the girls’ hearts. I see a teacher that is not an enemy. I see a teacher that may make a real difference in some of these girls’ lives.
So Rinx, don’t ‘take measures to get rid of this teacher.’ Take advantage of that head full of brains this one teacher has got, develop a connection that will last a lifetime.
“Pain is weakness leaving the body.” Remember: it is only true if the pain is taken, or accepted, the right way!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR:
DATE: 06/02/2004 10:42:50 PM
lol, u dont even know what happened from that teacher... She told us(I was actually absent that day) that she has inside info that three of us 7 girls are going to get in major trouble with a phone call, and we better beware, but were not allowed to tell anyone she told us... Ummm, something is very suspicious around here...Afew girls think she was hired by the staff to find out what we are really like, and to tell her our secrets... My whole school suks, I'm so sick of it...luckily we have no ,ore classes, just finals for the next two weeks...
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Posted by notepad at 1:18 PM | Comments (0)
May 13, 2004
Lies, Lies and Lying to Yourself
I just read through the new Mishpacha magazine again and it seems like they got at least some things right. I really suggest you get your hands on the May 12th edition.
In an interview with Rabbi Moshe Grylak, Rabbi Goldstein asserts that the reason for the high drop-out rate in our generation is the absence of truth. He blames the media for making teens today more prone to dropping out than teens in the past.
We have to teach them and train them what to use as a counterbalance against the temptations of the world. Simply criticizing and rebuking isn’t going to be very effective.…
How does a father ‘sell a cheap imitation’?
When you tell your son stories, and demand of him a certain level of behavior, that you yourself have not attained – or perhaps don’t even really believe in – then you are selling him an imitation, and an imitation is a lie. Any value that is conveyed in this ‘imitation fashion’ won’t be absorbed by the child. Furthermore, he will mock that value for the rest of his life.
I want to explain to parents what kind of damage they are perpetrating when they lie to their children.
Rabbi Goldstein recounts a conversation with a boy:
…I told him, “I understand that you have already commited every possible sin. Now you are asking G-d, ‘What? How? What now? Do I have any hope? Can I come back?”
I told him, “Did you ever really daven? Did you ever learn the meaning of the words in the prayers? Did you ever say the words and feel they were true? Did you ever think about ‘our lives that lie within Your hands’ – have you ever considered what those words mean, that our lives lie within Hashem’s hands? You are accustomed to living with lies, speaking lies, and worst of all, lying to yourself. Come, let’s try one thing. Did you daven Maariv yet? Invest in one Maariv. Go into the Women’s Section; there’s no one there. Sit with yourself, and consider what you are about to say. Then say the words with understanding; feel what you’re saying. If it takes less than an hour, I will consider you very talented.”
Two hours later, he came back and said, “I didn’t succeed. But I did get a small taste.”
Today he is a G-d fearing Jew.
In the next article, titled Trust, Trust & More Trust Michal Silver tells the story of a couple who opens their doors to teenagers who are ‘on the fringe.’ I will not quote anything from that article, you’ll just have to read it yourself. What I will say is this, if it wasn’t for a family just like Elimelech and Chava in the story, I would not be who I am today, in Yiddishkeit or in personality. When I was away from home, during my final zman in yeshiva at seventeen, they opened their doors to me and others. We found a listening ear we didn’t find anywhere else. We found a calm that was missing at home, and I saw a side of Yiddishkeit that was very hard for me to see at home or in Yeshiva at the time. I will be forever grateful to them and to Hashem for that half-year. I still go back for Shabbos every once in a while, and love it every time.
Read the magazine, take some inspiration, and open your eyes to the teenager who has hair slightly longer than his brothers’.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gishmak
DATE: 05/13/2004 09:19:14 PM
Hi! I wasn't planning on getting this week's edition, but maybe now I will. Thanks!
By the way, did you go hear R' Amnon Yitzchok speak?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gishmak
DATE: 05/17/2004 10:03:04 PM
I got it! Thanks! It's very good. My husband also enjoyed it
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Posted by notepad at 8:04 PM | Comments (0)
April 30, 2004
Rav Amnon Yitzchak will be speaking in Williamsburg. The man who has helped hundreds if not thousands of people see the beauty of their faith, will be speaking to people who have never known another way. I think it is time for us to be open-minded enough for a lesson in Emina Peshita. Yes, it is time for us to listen to these same principles that help bring people from a secular life of doing what they please, to a life under the yoke of Torah. We may be living that life already on the outside, but many of us have yet to internalize Rav Yitzchak’s basic message. No earrings will be added to the Keser Torah that night and no tichels will be given out, but we need the message all the same.
What is sad is the fact that we need him, an outsider, to give us that message. It is sad that some of the greatest concentrations of frum Jews are without leadership. It is sad that fights or disagreements at the very top are causing so much strife and Sinaas Chinam for the rest of us. It is sad that an important factor in shidduch research for some of is that “Ahroni / Zali” label. It is sad that tomorrow’s leaders are leading today’s fights.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR:
DATE: 05/11/2004 12:06:38 PM
Hey Shlomo! Are you from Williamsburg? Did you go last night?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR:
DATE: 05/12/2004 08:39:10 PM
Will he have english subtitles? he's a very kewl, holy man, but why duz he have to speak in hebrew all the time?? Nice site, you report from Monsey and kiryas Yoel, nice!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Shlomo
DATE: 05/13/2004 10:07:02 AM
Some of the videos available from Shofar do have English subtitles. Anyone care to report on how it was? I know the place was almost completly packed and he's always powerful. Did he tailor the speech for a Williamsburg crowd? Was anyone there who cares to report? I'll try to get the tape and write it up when I do.
Till then,
A Git Shabbos
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Posted by notepad at 8:38 AM | Comments (0)
April 16, 2004
Changing The System
Everyone is busy talking about changing the system. It’s practically the latest fad in the World of Chasidishe Blogs. All these changes to the system can be classified in one of two categories; the ones that will benefit everyone and the ones that will benefit some of us.
While I am part of the ‘some of us’ that will benefit from the changes in the second category, I understand that it is still wrong to make those changes. If only 90% of the student body can do very well without those changes, it’s wrong to change. It would be wrong to tell mechanchim to stop ingraining in children certain values that may not be strict Halacha. While you may argue that it may help influence 10% of students to look down on Yiddishkeit and may even eventually be a deciding factor in making some of those kids go off, it is still wrong not to try to ingrain the same values in the other 90%.
Let’s remember that there always were and always will be Yidden falling by the wayside. Yes we should do all in our power to keep the number to a minimum, but to sacrifice others to TRY and keep the number at zero is wrong.
Once a kid or teen is already identified as part, or potentially part of the 10%, that is when we must do all within our power to save that soul. In the last few years things have very much improved in that area. If a teen nowadays decides that the current system is not for him/her, there are people in most communities these days, in respected positions, that one can call and unload their heart to. Most of them will listen and do their utmost to help each teen in their individual situation.
Say a girl decides that the chasidishe way is not really her way. That while she wants to remain a torah-true frimme Yid, this is not the way for her. She can call on the Rebbetzin in her community, (I do not guarantee that all the communities listed at the very top of this page have one.) who will listen to her. If the girl is honest, with herself and with the Rebbetzin, that Rebbetzin will do what is necessary to help her. Should it be convincing the parents that she wants a working boy, or that she should go to sem, or anything else that should be done.
A girl who just goes out and does what she pleases with the excuse that this life is not for her, than that is all it is, an excuse. If she seriously wanted to be good, if she was inherently good, she would do all in her power to make her situation more livable but there are still certain lines she wouldn’t cross. Once a guy or girl crosses those lines, s/he may just be one of the few that fall by the wayside in every generation. And who knows, s/he may be one of the few in every generation to return after s/he hits rock bottom.
There is still much that could be done in this respect. These people should be more accessible and a teen should not have to feel bad about talking to one. Any communities that do not have people like that should get people who are smart, intuitive and good listeners to fill the gap.
The second category of changes are changes that will benefit everyone. Putting stronger emphasis on Yiraas Shomayim and Emunah, learning more of the reason of all the do’s and don’ts, would all go a long way in making all of us better Jews. But these changes will not happen any time soon. I may come across as less pro-teen-at-risk in this post but my belief in the Rabbunim of our generation did not increase much. I am also still very much pro-teen, but I think that the general system should not be affected more that necessary. If it works for eight out of a family of nine, it does not need to change because of the one. Yet, the one should still get all the help and support s/he needs.
I would like to give credit where credit is due but anonymity is now an important commodity.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mordy Neuman
DATE: 04/16/2004 11:36:49 AM
Hhhmmm…. You brought out an interesting point. I actually find myself agreeing to what you said.
If you read The Case for Chinuch Today on my site, you’ll see that this issue is addressed and that the call for change is more geared towards a “benefit all” modification in the system. what we need is Veharev Nu, people must realize that Judaism is beautiful. The torah is not just holy and sacred, but also a guide for living a happy, fulfilling, gratifying and beautiful life. Our Mechanchim need to put a greater emphasis on that, as opposed to wanting us to be brain-dead robots following everything blindly and forcefully.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hasidicrebbele
DATE: 04/18/2004 09:49:31 PM
xclnt "if"ing.
can u please identify what changes u r talking about?
also u quote- "If (i did notice your "if" )only 90% of the student body can do very well without those changes," - i know for a fact that only 30% benefit, at an average level, and the rest r just staring at the walls and waiting to explode.
we need to do both, and with Hashem's help we will.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hillel handler
DATE: 04/19/2004 01:32:23 PM
Very important points, very well presented.
It seems to me that the actual statistics are 15% students on top, 15% on the bottom, and 70% "benunim" who could go either way, depending on the circumstances, like the Rebbe's qualifications, their exposure to a bad environment and bad Chaverim, their parents values, etc.
Changes in chinuch must be approached with great caution--there may be unintended consequences when you change a system that has been in use a long time.
However, there are times when changes may be called for. The Chovos Hatalmidim called for changes in his sefer, because he recognized that there had occurred a serious change in the temperament of the youth in his day ( before world war II).
Rebbe Yisroel of Chortkov told his Talmid Rebbe Meir Shapiro, to extablish a General Cheder, with vocational Studies, for boys who were not cut-out for the more rigorous educational track of Yeshivas Chachmei Lublin. Rebbe Meir also established Daf Hayomi for such Baalei Batim, so that they would be in touch with Gemara all their lives.
Rabbeinu Hakodosh--"Rebbe"-- made a huge change when he took the oral law and wrote it down in the Mishna, and then "closed the books" on the Mishna.
The bottom line is, as in all p'sak Halocho, you need to proceed cautiously, under the guidance of qualified Talmedei Chachomim who are aware of the consequences, intended and unintended.
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Posted by notepad at 8:52 AM | Comments (0)
March 29, 2004
A Story of Three Partners
There were three friends who lived in a very small town many years ago. They were very smart and picked up quickly on everything their teachers taught them. They finished the little school that the town had to offer and went on to learn from the wise men in town. When they were around 18 years old they decided that there is nothing more for them to learn in this town. They met up on the mountain in their village one day and decided they would each go their own ways and learn whatever they could and they would meet up at the same place, at the same time in five years time.
Five years later, they actually all come together. They ask the first “what did you learn in the past five years?” He takes out a little vial and says, “In here is a medicine that I developed that can cure many diseases.” “What are you planning to do now?” they asked. “I will go out, get people to invest money and I will mass produce my new medicine and live my life healing people.”
They ask the second one “what did you learn in the past five years?” He shows them a box with wheels on it. “What is that?” they ask. “What’s a carriage without horses?” “This is not just a carriage without horses,” he says, “it’s a carriage that can go a lot faster than a carriage with many horses.” And he takes them for a ride around town in his new “car.” “What are you planning to do now?” they ask. “I will get financial backing, mass produce the ‘automobile,’ and make a lot of money.”
The third one takes out a little cylinder. “What’s that?” they all ask. “It is a looking glass I developed that can see very far away, a lot farther than the naked eye can see.” They all have a try and are surprised to see that they can see all the way to the capitol. While one of them is looking openmouthed all around the capitol, he notices big signs plastered all over the streets. He hands the looking class to the other two and they see all the signs saying that the King’s daughter, the princess, is sick of such-and-such a disease, and that whoever will cure her will get $10 Million. The friend who developed the medicine says, “Oh, my medicine will definitely cure her but how will I get there on time?” The one who developed the car says, “That’s not a problem, my new automobile will get you there in no time.” They all hopped into the new car and were on their way to heal the princess.
They get there and give the princess some of the new medicine. Less than two hours later, there is a visible improvement in her condition. The doctor tells the king that the medicine is working but he will just need to monitor her until she is completely cured.
The time comes for the reward, and of-course all three friends want the $10 million. The first one says, “Without my medicine there would be no reward.” The second one says, “without my car to get you here, you’d never have been able to heal the princess.” The third one says, “Without my looking glass, you’d never even know to come here.”
So the finance minister goes and asks the king. The King calls the three friends in and says, “The money belongs to the one who developed the medicine. Without the car and the looking glass my daughter might not have made it, you have done your parts and I thank you for it. But you are done, I don’t need you anymore. On the other hand the doctor I still need to continue healing my daughter.”
That was a moshol from the Dubno Maggid. The nimshal is simple. While The Rebbele and Mordy may be right, and I do agree with a lot of what they say, we must never lose sight of a very important point. Chazal tell us that a person has three partners in life; father, mother and Hashem. The nimshal is that while our parents are partners in our life, we, the teenagers going through tough times, must not forget who the main partner is in our life. While it is our parents’ responsibility to bring us up the right way, and while mechanchim may be doing many things wrong, we must never lose sight of the fact that it is Hashem that is the ultimate partner here. When someone is no longer on talking terms with his/her parents, it may be a bad situation, but the important part is being on talking terms with Hashem. When the going gets rough, try an age old technique, take out your Tehilim, the one you got from a friend or bought yourself if you don’t want to use the one you got from the parental units, and talk to Hashem. He’ll do more for you than anyone else can or will.
If you are a teenager going through a tough time, please remember that there are people out to help you. There are well-meaning people that will do anything in their power to help you. If you’d like to email me with some really vague details of your situation, I will try to direct you to someone that will listen to you and try to help, or just plain listen. I have just one condition; that you always remember whom the ultimate yeshua comes from.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Natan
DATE: 03/29/2004 07:06:34 PM
Great moshul!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Hasidic rebbele
DATE: 03/29/2004 11:31:20 PM
xclnt !!!!
i actually advise to even be "angry" at Hashem, but not where u move away from Him, but where u continue to express your anger until u get closer, because Hashem is the only one who truly knows u.
Chazak
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Commenter
DATE: 03/30/2004 08:08:08 AM
Amazing moshol and the point you bring out is an extremely important one.
Seeking to place blame on others (Rabbonim, Parents and Mechanchim) is wrong because a person is ultimately resposible for their own lives and actions.
With Hashem's help we shall all suceed.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: E
DATE: 03/30/2004 12:06:12 PM
Well said! An old technique that hasn't failed anyone!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Gishmak
DATE: 04/09/2004 12:57:08 PM
Very good moshul/nimshol and advice. a gut moed
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Posted by notepad at 6:23 PM | Comments (1)
February 4, 2004
An Open Letter
I have nothing to add to this letter. Only that I could have, and really should have written the same type of thing a very long time ago. I agree with everything he says and I pledge to do my best to publicize the letter.
Via Mighty Mordy's email list.
Sure, the letter comes from someone with an agenda. Sure, there are many other examples where the children are really at fault. Sure, there's no justification for sleeping around. All these things don't change the validity of the letter. The fact remains: our chinuch system needs some serious work. Our chinuch system, in my opinion, is the root of the trouble. But I did enough ranting about that. I'm off to make copies of the letter.
Here is the letter in its entirety. And here are the responses the writer received.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cookie
DATE: 02/05/2004 07:09:53 PM
I think we are mixing several issues here. From a parent, to any parent out there:
1.a) The heimishe olam needs to learn to accept the fact that not every one of our children is the same, or suited to the life we are promoting.
b) We have to be ready and able to provide viable, healthy, Torah-true alternatives to those who cannot learn Torah lishmah 18 hours a day.
2. a) Our children's shidduchim cannot be sacrificed on the altar of our prestige.
b) For those who have matured and are ready for marriage, our priority should be to marry off our kids.
3. We need to stop losing our kid's trust. If our kids cannot rely on us to find them suitable marriage partners, and s'passt nisht to have them meet any other way, what are they left with?
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Posted by notepad at 3:56 PM | Comments (1)
December 30, 2003
Williamsburg
This picture is crawling around the web lately with all types of people commenting on it.
People in Williamsburg are protesting many things now. They are protesting the eiruv, the 'artisten', and the studio (too late). There is also the old Aaron - Zalman Leib thing going on. Everyone is screaming that their cause is important. Williamsburg will collapse! Kedishas Shabbos! What all these people don't want to realize is that Williamsburg’s collapse will come from within. A community with ZERO support for at risk teens; a community that puts more emphasis and minhogim, and some stuff that are way less than even minhogim, than on halacha; a community where questions are shunned; a community where getting 'artisten' out is more important than keeping our own teenagers from becoming that way; a community like Williamsburg is today will collapse.
There are no statistics on the matter, but if I were to guess, I would guess that up to 20% of yingeleit in Williamsburg aged 16 - 26 do not have a strong emunah or hashkafah. How can a community where there are girls sleeping (OK, it's pretty hard to sleep in a car with tinted windows,) with married men not have a support structure for teens? How can a community with MANY bucherim that smoke on Shabbos not have a support structure for them? Is the Aaron - Zalman Leib machlokes, or even the Eiruv, more important then our next generation?
But I can rant till the day after tomorrow, no one who matters will read this anyway. After all, it's the geaserte internet. However I really believe that even if I went to Rabbonim with all the different stories I know, still nothing would change.
If there is one thing that people in Williamsburg hold very strongly, it must be Ani maamin .... bechol yom sheyovo. If Moschiach will be here tomorrow, why worry about the next generation?
"Villiamsburg, a mechaya goor, svoinenen dort feine yidden..."
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mindy
DATE: 12/30/2003 10:04:40 PM
I am absolutely INFURIATED by this post, which is CHOCK FULL of misinformation.
Go ahead. Contineu bashing Wiliamsburg. have fun.
Why am I even reading this? This is worse than h.com.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Gishmak
DATE: 12/31/2003 11:39:18 PM
oooohhhhhhhh
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Shlomo
DATE: 01/01/2004 08:29:02 PM
What, for example, do you think is misinformation? Can you be more specific?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jake
DATE: 01/02/2004 03:26:06 PM
Mindy admit it there are is plenty of illicit sex going on in Williamsburg and Monroe. Homosexulaity is rampant largely due to the sexual repression and extreme segregation between bos and girls, married women are sleeping around, Chasidishe girls are sleeping with goyishe deliverymen (believe it or not) etc. Just do some research you'll be shocked at whats going on.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Shlomo
DATE: 01/02/2004 03:28:03 PM
Related Links:
http://protocols.blogspot.com/2003_12_28_protocols_archive.html#107302918519866445
http://hydepark.co.il/hydepark/topic.asp?topic_id=749608
http://www.jewschool.com/2003_12_01_archive.php#107280769148083942
http://www.gawker.com/archives/save_williamsburg_from_the_artists.php
http://www.hairyeyeball.net/jotbook/archives/002272.html
http://www.israblog.co.il/blogread.asp?blog=5801&blogcode=292654
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mindy
DATE: 01/04/2004 07:39:20 AM
Jake has also drunk the koolaid.
yes, there are problems in every community but no, illicit sex is NOT rampant in Williamsburg. You are talking about BORO PARK.
Donno where youre taking your information from, but I've been living in Willy for 27 years and know of exactly one case of illicit sex.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jake
DATE: 01/05/2004 02:43:55 AM
right only one case... everything is so nice and perfect. wow! maybe i should move down there. And how do you know about BP though i happen to agree
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mindy
DATE: 01/05/2004 03:07:25 PM
Did I ever say it's perfect? it's just not 1/10 as bad as Shlomo makes it out to be.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: avrumi
DATE: 01/05/2004 09:58:36 PM
I am hearing lately lots of such stories in boro park and willy, I just have a strong suspicion that a big majority of the rumors are just that, rumors.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Natan
DATE: 01/06/2004 12:53:46 AM
Instead of focusing on what's bad about Williamsburg, how about trying to focus on what's good.
For example, in my hometown of Baltimore, sure there are bad things. But there are so many good things that I think those are worth mentioning. Almost any out of towner (and esspecially New Yorkers) agree that the people in Baltimore are all very nice people, they go out of their way to help out, and there is lots of achdus. I think that the achdus factor is one of the most important part of what makes Baltimore so great. Everyone gets along. There is an eiruv that the entire city agrees is kosher. Most of us listen to the vaad harobonim.
With all the machlokes going on in Williamsburg, I think one of the most important things they have to focus on is achdus. With achdus can come many other great things.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rinx
DATE: 08/27/2004 01:35:09 PM
Woah... I will so not believe that load of l"h... How am i to believe that a town of satmer chassidim to be that sinful? disgusting... you m?ght have proof of one case, maybe, maybe two... but a "town full" like that???? I think it wouldv'e been dealt with by now or at least be known...
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Shtreimel
DATE: 10/19/2004 04:10:58 PM
It might not be as drastic as you make it, but there’s a great number of “yungeleit” that are fed up with the system, like me. Some will just leave satmar and go to the “Kosel” the next time they visit Israel, and some will leave the whole “yiddishkeit behind them.
The majority will stay Chasidim on the out side, but be total “Goyim” in the inside, and I know ‘cos I’m one of them. And I’m not alone.
Good luck to your Blog.
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Posted by notepad at 9:46 PM | Comments (1)
December 25, 2003
Innocence
I found many things on this thread that do not behoove the intelligent people on Hashkafah.com.
I have a major problem with the attitude of this kitty character. I agree with kitty that parents are in pain when a child slips from the minhugim accepted in the family. However, when there’s the future of a child at stake, parents need to learn what is important and what is not. Vus is vichtig in vus is nisht; m’tur nisht vern tzimisht. While the child may be wrong, isn’t it preferable that s/he give up on some minhogim and keep the rest, rather than be pressured to keep the minhogim which will, in all likelihood, cause the child to go completely off the derech?
Why is it a halbe tzura when a bucher still wears the levush? Do you think bucherim with gekreiselte peies don’t go into clubs? Do you think bucherim with gekreiselte peies do less averios then the ones without?
The beauty of a jew might be his innocence; but you can’t force innocence onto a person. “Why don’t you just find glory in the place you belong?” (kitty) Where do I belong? If you claim I belong in the community I was born into, what if the community doesn’t have any glory? Excuse me very much but a community where the rav is busy every shalosh seudos with protesting Zionism or the Eiruv, when in his Beis Medrash listening to him sit the parents of a boy who is ‘dating’ the daughter of another mispalel, is a community of no beauty. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a Zionist, very far from it, but why are our Rabbonim busy with Zionism going on in the other end of the world and hardly directly affecting any of us, when he should be busy with ways to improve our Chinuch system?
Some more kitty: “Our parents were smarter than we are nowadays. Don’t look for a new derech. Also, most of the people who try to find a derech, end up either having charata or return at one point.” Our parents, or grandparents, also lived in a different world. They didn’t live in a world with the temptations that we have today. They also didn’t have the internet to contend with. And I believe, maybe someone can find sources, that the intelligent ones always asked questions. The difference is that back then the mechanchim and rebeim were able to answer the questions and erase all doubt, nowadays, the Rabbonim are busy with more important things then basic hashkafah and helping teens with questions. As to your second point, I have to echo everyone else’s, it seems you don’t know many people who’ve tried another derech.
As for the ones who ‘return’, maybe it is because of something else you mentioned. “I personally [know] somebody. Originally heimish chassidish. Became a bit modern, but still chassidish. Has such a problem w/ shiddichim now. Does not know what he wants, doesn’t belong anywhere. He’s all [ungezetzt].” If someone ‘returns’ because of shiddichim, and I know some who did, what kind of return is that? They still don’t believe in anything. But people like you are satisfied that they’re ‘back’.
Why does such a person have such problems with shidduchim? Because he’s a bit modern? If I read you correctly, a bit modern means he doesn’t always daven with a hat on and trims his beard and ‘looks modern’ etc., the same person is also very likely to be very strong in his Yiddishkeit. If he wasn’t very strong in his Yiddishkeit, he’d be completely off by now. He’s an outcast anyway. But no, he knows where he stands and sticks to what he believes in. He might be ungezezt because of the rules of our great society, but it is people like you that are really ungezetzt. If you had asked questions, and gotten answers, you’d have had a taam in what you do. Take a look here at this simple explanation for the lamed tes melochos and tell me you wouldn’t have been better off knowing it. But it’s not taught in satmar, because here we have a different set of priorities, here we don’t need hashkafah, we have mesorah. Here we don’t have to worry about reason for doing anything, everyone does it anyway. Oh, and the ones that don’t; the ones that are mechalel Shabbos and don’t put on tefilin, don’t worry about them, as long as they keep the levush you’ll never know about it anyway. His father won’t get help because he’s worried about shiddichem so the secret is safe.
Kitty, Mindy was right when she told you Hashkafah.com is not for you. Because you might not have the answers, but we believe we have the right to ask the questions. If you ARE innocent, get out of here and stay that way.
Posted by notepad at 1:42 PM | Comments (1)
December 1, 2003
Garbage Men
I found this via Unbroken Glass' comments:
...we had the same old discussion if we should marry a learning guy or working guy. The latter was so looked down upon. The teacher says we should all sell our diomand rings, and our husbands should all sit and learn fulltime. So I asked what if a guy isn't made out for learning. Shes like, well then, that's his challenge, he must overcome it… Then someone asked if everyone is learning whose going to support everyone… and I said if someone has the talents and capability to be a lawyer, why can't he use it and give plenty of charity? So she goes, well there always has to be a garbage man, but why does it have to be you? Shes comparing docters and lawyers to garbage men!!!!!!
I found the rest of it sort of hard to comprehend but the above paragraph stopped me. Doctors and Lawyers are garbage men? The entire class should marry working boys? Sell your diamond ring so he can sit and learn? Someone who's not made for learning, it's his "challenge"? He must overcome it? What is up with these people?
I always knew that some people think like that, I didn't know it's officially taught in schools. What is this world coming to? Do I have a new cause to campaign for? "Equal Rights for the Working Boy"
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cookie
DATE: 12/03/2003 12:03:23 PM
No time to blog, but I couldn't resist a comment. Nu, so what's the deal, I could live without lawyers (I think), but I couldn't live without garbage men (or women)! What utter snobbery. Like sanitation engineers are lesser beings than doctors or lawyers.
And the funniest part of all this is that I'm a believer in kollel. But it's clearly not the best thing for everyone. More when I (dream on) have more time.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ganger
DATE: 12/03/2003 09:00:53 PM
Poor little defenseless lawyers and doctors. Bad bad frumies: boo boo boo.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Some
DATE: 12/03/2003 09:03:43 PM
Somtimes you need to get carried away just to stay your self, to counteract the onslaught of tumeh. Epes, get musser shmoozed.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Gishmak
DATE: 12/04/2003 09:48:02 PM
I learned in BY-type schools....what we learned is that there are two types of GOOD JEWS. Those who learn and those who support the learners. If you're not made out to be a full-time learner, you can be ko'vea itim and make a Yissachar-Zevulun partnership. You can't look down at either side. Everyone's different - you just have to do your part.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Some
DATE: 12/05/2003 12:31:57 PM
All learning boys are vampires.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rinx
DATE: 12/07/2003 01:20:33 PM
lol, im famous, ppl are qouting me;) i agree with all of you... i personally would prbbly sell my diomond ring for my husband to learn...but thats me, not everyone can do that, and it not madotory for everyone to do that...and i believe ppl should and can be lawyers...its a controversy.. maybe we'll ask moshiach when he comes...
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: MonkeyWrench
DATE: 12/14/2003 02:14:29 PM
Everyone loves to quote the Yissachar-Zevulun arrangement. As if they were the only shevatim! What if I want to be a Dan, or a Yosef, or whoever? (In fact, what if I AM one of those?) The truth is that Levi was the real learners and teachers of klal yisrael, but lets not let that get in the way of our contemporary view of Judaism.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Kettle Called Black
DATE: 12/16/2003 05:12:02 PM
Of course Levi was supported by tithes from the other shevatim. Interestingly, the Rambam in Hilchos Ma'asros includes anyone whose work is solely for the klal as having the din of a Levi l'gabi communal support b'zman hazeh.
-- One whose wife refused to accept an engagement ring on the grounds that such a purchase was inappropriate hackafically for a kollel couple.
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Posted by notepad at 5:40 PM | Comments (0)
November 20, 2003
About Hugs and Yardsticks
Cookie comes back with a pretty clear explanation:
A parent with Old European roots could easily have grown up "clearly recognizing" love, without feeling the urge to verbally express that love. I know enough such people (who forever tell me I'm spoiling my kids) to know that it is not fair to measure them by our American yardstick (where we say we love you even when we don't, just let's not hurt your feelings). To these people, love is known, assumed: I am your parent, of course I love you, I am your child, of course I love you, we don't need to talk about it and keep reminding each other and be huggy-kissy about it. (Clearly, this is where the climate factor needs to be taken into consideration.)
The question now is, if the child is growing up in the "American" climate, why shouldn't the child measure the parent with "our American yardstick"? It might not be fair but that is the world the child grew up in. Teenagers tend to blow things out of proportion, in their minds. To a teenager, a "strict" parent seems an unloving parent. It doesn't make the teenager right but if parents want to give a child all the chances they could, sometimes showing love is necessary. Sometimes a child knows the parents love him/her without being "huggy-kissy", I guess it's a thin line. As with everything else in life, it's all in the balance.
A final word, this was not a well-thought-out post. But isn't that why I write a blog, not a newspaper column?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cookie
DATE: 11/21/2003 01:56:19 AM
I'm trying to bring this topic to closure on my blog so I'll give you this: in focusing on the European vs. American issue, I was not trying to point fingers, and certainly not to lay blame on the child for feeling distant from his parents.
On the contrary, I think that in this respect, European parents need an outside force to raise their respective consciousnesses regarding emotional exhibitionism. It can't come from within because there is not enough sensitivity to it.
Being in the in-between generation, I think one needs to be a little forgiving to the parties on either side of this fence.
Finally, I enjoy your writing and really didn't mean to tear you apart (if that's the way you felt). I just analyze too much, it's my nature. Sorry! But can you accept that this is what I am? (being facetious here...)
Blog on, I'm liking it.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: yes
DATE: 11/22/2003 11:12:34 PM
If you give children love they become sissies, cowards, pussies. Beat your boys, lash your lasses: that should be the new slogan of every progressive American mom. Love fosters languor, sloth and insanity. Do you want your child to turn into a real-time crudnik? As the saying goes: spare the hot heavy iron rod and spoil the child.
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Posted by notepad at 9:32 PM | Comments (0)
November 19, 2003
Perspective
A very perceptive cookie over at Heimishtown thought it important to comment on my blog. "...a partial response to Shlomo, who is a little fixated on the kids at the fringe issue." The gist of her post, if I read it correctly, is that I see things only from a teenagers’ perspective; she's trying to open my eyes, and yours, to the parents’ point of view. I get her point and I agree with her that parents put a lot of work into every child. I agree that parents experience pain when their children veer off the right path. But I won't stop writing from the teenagers’ point of view. I don't claim to be the maven in childrearing either, I am just trying to get the teenagers point of view across. I am trying to make people aware of what's going on in the teenager's mind. A parent, even when s/he means the best for the child, still needs to know the child's point of view. Teenagers today are going through their hard teenage years in a completely different climate than their parents did.
Can any parent really understand their teenage child? I guess teenagers need to consider their parents' feelings and parents need to consider their teenagers feelings.
However, in general, I believe that most teenagers on the fringe did not end up there because of the parents. But it's the parents that can do a lot to help them back, with the right approach. Whoever said that the hard parts of parenting are over when s/he stops listening to you?
I can't say I will talk about kids on the fringe when I have a teenage daughter of my own, I don't think it's really possible for a parent to fully understand their teenager. They can try, ask advice and do their best, but a 40-year-old cannot understand a 16-year-old.
"...a little perspective" is definitely a "very good thing"
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Shlomo
DATE: 11/19/2003 02:58:44 PM
And here's cookie's comeback. http://heimishtown.blogspot.com/2003_11_16_heimishtown_archive.html#106925873073594879
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ha
DATE: 11/19/2003 09:20:20 PM
No. Children have no right for perspective. They have a right to get patched on their bottoms, with a chain.
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Posted by notepad at 10:38 AM | Comments (0)
November 11, 2003
Who Is This Child?
The moment you understand that the child you see now is who he is now, and you are now parenting the child you’re looking at, not the one you knew, you’ve started the long journey toward saving your son.
This is old, November 1999 old, but it's still very much correct. Maybe the JO should just keep publishing it every year?
I don't know who this Rabbi Levy is but I think he would do a great service to the communitty if he kept spreading those and other wise words.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Goodness Gracious
DATE: 11/11/2003 04:59:23 PM
I disagree with the article. Fringehood is a form mental retardation. And instead of lowering the standards to suit each child what must be done is to give him the tools to accomodate for his deficiency or inaptitude. Ie I recomend instrumental enrichment. In yo face!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Gishmak
DATE: 11/14/2003 01:15:25 AM
i'm sure it's harder to do than it is to say, though!
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Posted by notepad at 11:48 AM | Comments (0)
October 2, 2003
More Than Meets the Eye (2)
Here’s the continuation of More Than Meets the Eye. The quotes in italics are from this article in the Daily News.
“Frimcha and Elky were looking for a freer, less restrictive life”
“They wanted to go as far away as possible… They had plans to disappear off the face of the Earth”
“They wanted one-way tickets to a place far away from the strict religious regimentation of their insulated, ultra-Orthodox Jewish enclave.”
What do we see from the three quotes above? I see two girls feeling that they are living a restrictive life. Not seeing anything in their Yiddishkeit. They only saw routine and ‘regimentation’. So, like many teens I know, they were dreaming of running away. Most teens just dream about it but don’t actually do it. They end up rebelling and doing anything and everything while still maintaining some ties with the community and hanging out with other teens who think the same way. Sometimes there’s a straw that breaks the camel’s back. Sometimes something happens that would push one off the edge but causes another to take drastic action. So they steeled themselves with resolve, took all their savings and left. Did they know what awaits them? No. Had they done the same thing if they had known? Yes. When that straw hits, when a teen gets that feeling of suffocation, s/he doesn’t really care or think about the outcome. Just as a man being accosted by robbers who outnumber him and have many weapons, if he thinks they will kill him, he will fight. Although the rational mind tells him that he will lose. When a teenager gets that suffocating feeling and is trying to find a way out of living with it for the rest of his/her life, they will do almost anything.
“They were on the road, running away and free.”
We’re they really free? No. They were not free from their parents as they were under age. They were not free from their religion either, but they thought they were free from both. Why they wanted to be free from their parents I do not even want to speculate. The last paragraph of the article, -“We were told by the therapist to tell her we love her and be accepting. To start fresh.” They were told!!! We’re saying it because we were told!!!,- may shed some light on that, although the bulb seems to be quite dim.
“Elky… had two really large dolls that had blood on their faces and marks all over them, as if they were cut and had stitches… She said she would not get on the plane without these dolls. I didn't know what to think about it."
“…agents saw and pulled a 5-inch silver dagger and an 8½ -inch knife out of Elky's blue canvas tote bag.”
Why did they run away from their religion?
“…children naturally follow its dictates.”
Because they thought that the religion is suffocating them. Maybe the interpretation of Judaism that they were fed really was suffocating. A way of life with near-zero tolerance for questions; a way of life with no support for teens who slide a bit off the beaten path; a way of life where these teens are shunned and basically has no middle way, you are either on the beaten path, or you’re on the wrong path; a way of life where nothing needs more reason than “everyone is doing it”, a way of life where just being different is wrong, even if you did nothing wrong; such a way of life does seem suffocating.
What do we have schools for?
“One of the advantages from their point of view is that with insularity, you don't see another way of life”
Is that what being a Jew is all about? Doing everything exactly the way you grew up? Of course we have to do all the minhagim our fathers and grandfathers did; of course we have to keep the halochos and the pesakim they kept; but should we be doing because we don’t ‘see another way of life’? Or should we be doing it because we believe in Hashem and in his Torah, because we’ve learnt it and understand it? Shouldn’t our schools be imbuing in us Emunah and Yiras Hashem strong enough so that even after ‘seeing another way of life’, we should still keep the Torah and Mitzvos?
This story could have ended in disaster. I don’t mean the disaster to the families’ names. It could’ve ended in ‘real’ disaster.
“The apartment… was in the city's most dangerous precinct.”
“Their resolve cracking, they made several more calls to the teacher and brother…”
I can think of many things that two teenagers could have done when their resolve cracked. And that was prevented by one real teacher and one chilled-out brother. Now if the schools were staffed by such teachers? If all teachers were pillars of support to whom a teenager can speak to openly? Wouldn’t we have had a better society?
“…teens in conflict are not uncommon”
“…girls between the ages of 14 and 17 are a growing concern”
And what happened when the story broke that they are missing / ran away? “…neighbors clucked and tongues wagged”.
And what are ‘community leaders’ doing now? “…community leaders have kept in close contact with both families, trying to counsel the parents and girls about what issues in the home contributed to their leaving.” A very good idea indeed. Even better is the fact that “Neither girl is living back home in Borough Park” . But do you really believe that it stems from the home? Of course the home ‘contributed’, but the home may not have been the core of the problem. And if the home of one of them was the core of the problem, go up one level and see where the problem is with the home. I believe you’ll always come back to these facts:
Our children are not getting the strong chinuch they should be getting
Our Emunah is very very low
We are, and are telling our children to, do everything by rote
We do not have support nets for teenagers who have questions or have a hard time in school
Our schools have become elitist
We would rather shove problems under the carpet then be humiliated and deal with them
Our Rabbonim are too politicized (the largest chasidus in America is led by Baalei Machlokes!)
Shouldn’t community leaders use this case to initiate change in our society and community in general? I sure hope that when they are finish ‘counseling’ these parents they move on to everyone else and teach all of us some of the lessons learnt.
Today, at the touch of a button, you can be connected within seconds to someone in the other end of the world. Back in the day, if you wanted to speak to someone by telephone, even in your own town, you had to go thru the operator. The operator was bored in her office most of the day waiting for the phone to ring so she can do her job. When she had to connect someone she would take their number or name and connect them thru the central switchboard. If it was a call to someone out of town the steps were doubled and so on.
The operator in our story always did her boring job without complaints. She learnt to recognize when a caller is upset or calm; when a caller had good news or bad. Over the years she even became friends with many of the people calling her for a listening ear.
There were also callers that used her to get the correct time. There was no internet or phone number to just dial and get the exact time, so they would call her to get the exact time.
Between these callers there was one regular caller who would call every day before noon. “Hello Madam, could you please tell me the EXACT time? Thanks in advance.”
Usually she would answer “The time is five minutes before noon” .
This would repeat every day, summer, winter, fall or spring, for decades. He would call and she would calmly tell him the time. The time came and the old operator was about to retire after all these years. On her last day she looked around the office that she got to know so well. She was more patient with everyone and said goodbye to all her friends. When the time came before noon she thought that now she’ll find out who it was that calls every single day.
As usual, today he also called. “Hello Madam, could you please tell me the EXACT time? Thanks in advance.”
She almost answered him automatically before she remembered that she has to satisfy her curiosity. “Sorry for prying but today is my last day on the job and I would very much like to know who you are and why you call every day at the same time?”
The man answered “You sure hear the bell on the firemen’s tower that rings every day at noon?”
“Sure, I hear it”
“Well” he continued with a bit of arrogance, “I am the one who rings that bell every day at noon. That’s why I needed the EXACT time.”
“Oy, all these years I set my clock to the ring of the bell…”
We are now at the time of year when we all synchronize our clocks with Elul and the Yomim Noroim. Have we been setting our clocks to the clock tower? Is the clock we’re using being set by the same clock we’re using?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Gishmak
DATE: 10/03/2003 03:01:52 AM
Very thought-provoking "hock." It's very sad what happened to these girls...but we can NOT judge. You can't say the parents were part of the problem....Unfortunately, kids at risk are common these days...there's no stereotypical background to these kids..they come from all different homes: loving homes, chasidish homes, litvish homes, modern homes... It's just sad... The parents need counseling, I'm sure, because it's hard to know what to do with a child with such problems... It's hard to know what to do to prevent such problems... I heard that when raising children, it's 10% hishtadlus and 90% davening....
Your article was very well-written. The newspaper article was very bias, but I'm glad you linked us to it.
We should hear only good news!!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Q!SAT
DATE: 10/10/2003 03:35:03 AM
You changed your format a little...I like your subtitle.
Nice!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Shlomo
DATE: 10/10/2003 11:45:17 AM
http://theknish.com/article3.3.shtm
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Gishmak
DATE: 10/13/2003 04:34:44 AM
that's a good one.......
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COMMENT: